By Casey Burgess
Sam (a pseudonym) is in 11th grade and has a history of suspensions and expulsions. He was recently removed from his local high school because his stress behaviours were perceived as active acts of aggression. This was remarkable to me because, based on my work with Sam in my clinic– doing an assessment in a very individualized way that met his needs and reduced his stress–I would never be able to picture some of the behaviours I am told occur at school.
Sam is now placed in an alternative program where he completes work from booklets with an available teacher to support him. He is still refusing to do the work or attend the school. We have a school meeting coming up that I was asked to attend to help the school find ways to connect with him. This situation has gotten me thinking about the five look-fors in a Self-Reg Haven, because they are so applicable to him. I hope I can share some of this way of thinking with the group (which includes both home and school support people) when we have the school meeting. This link (https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-havens/) provides a description of a Self-Reg Haven, an idea that I applied to my thinking about Sam’s challenging situation.
SAFE
The problem is that when Sam has expressed his feelings in school, even in the early stages, any showing of emotion has resulted in getting in trouble: behavioural consequences, and suspensions. He has been seen as a ‘bad’ kid, and has internalized much of this. He doesn’t feel like school is a safe place.
ROOTED
Because he has been suspended and expelled from several schools, he has never felt safe and rooted anywhere. He comes to each school carrying the weight of his school record (that the new school gets to know before they get to know him). He has never felt like school is family–just a place he is forced to go, where people misunderstand him and where he has been punished for maladaptive coping mechanisms.
BALANCED
It’s so very difficult to feel balanced in a school system where educators are all burnt out. I can honestly say that I don’t know any teachers who feel calm and alert and positive about their jobs–not one. And I know a lot of educators. This is no fault of their own. This is a sadly broken system. These teacher’s hearts are so big that they are trying to help their students through learning and development in difficult times while being bombarded with unnecessary stressors of their own.
CAPABLE
Sam has been ‘consequenced’ so often that he feels that no one thinks he is capable. He tries so hard only to be told he isn’t trying hard enough. He is shut down. Sam has no say in decisions made about him, and has been given the impression that his school team doesn’t believe he can change. They just expel him when they can’t meet his needs.
TRUSTED
Because Sam has never felt part of a school community, just an outsider that needs to better comply with expectations, he has never trusted nor felt trusted. He has never had his needs met (or even heard or understood). His maladaptive self-regulation strategies have only ever been seen as misbehaviours, so he has been punished when he uses them. It’s no wonder that he has difficulty with self-regulation when all attempts are punished!
What does Sam need, considering each of the above?
- Someone to believe in him
- Someone to understand that it’s not that he isn’t trying hard enough, he is actually trying TOO hard is. Sam isn’t lazy or unmotivated; it just seems that way because he is shut down from too much stress.
- Someone to empathize with the stress he is under and help him to understand his own stressors, so he can reframe himself. Sam isn’t ‘bad’ or ‘incapable.’ It’s just that his nervous system is on high alert and preventing him from being his true, awesome self.
- A community of learning, not necessarily a traditional classroom, but a group that he feels safe and supported within.
- Relationships that are positive, not controlling: connection, trust, compassion, empathy.
I truly hope I can share some of this in a very gentle way with his family and school team when we meet.
Would you like to see the benefits of all in your care feeling safe, rooted, balanced, capable & trusted? Learn how to nurture a Self-Reg Haven with our Havens 101 Professional Learning Series available for both individuals and teams.
18 Comments
The way you shared it with us IS definitely gentle, credible and very reassuring. I am teary imagining the shift it can bring to the whole environment.
I support you and looking forward to hearing from you how it went. <3
I agree, Nino! I hope we can hear more about how things went.
Aviva
I’am glad you shared this with us. I think we need to use the “5 Looks Fors of a Self-Reg Heaven” more often in our lives, and plans for the future. This will be very helpful for me and I plan on using this with my student.
Thanks for sharing, Kathy! I’m glad that you plan on using this with your student. Can you share more about your plans?
Aviva
Just like the way I made the child that has been bullying my son feel. I wanted him to feel safe and to let him know that I wasn’t angery with him in anyway. That he could come and talk with me anytime, because it is important for him to know that he is an important part of our lives and he matters, that we would be there for him if he needed to talk. My son said he would try and help him in anyway he could as well.
Thanks so much for sharing! I wonder if this gentle approach made a difference for the child. What do you think?
Aviva
This is such an interesting read. I would never want to make my student or any other student feel as if they have to fight for there daily education. I would try to the best of my ability with the help of supports, to try and help a student get back to being grounded.
Thanks for sharing, Tan! What are some different ways that you might do this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I definetely see and have witnessed how they can make a difference for the student I worked with he felt very much like Sam. Everyday he was getting better at advocating for himself and became more confident, the frequency of using the room was less and he was able, for the first time in his school years ,he had made friends, went on school trips, participated in track and field as well as being in a class setting and working with his peers. As well as talking to the Teacher and not requiring me to do it, or for me to be right beside him.
Thank you so much for sharing this story! I know that I’m always inspired by hearing what others have experienced and hearing these kinds of stories of success. I wonder if others might also have stories to share.
Aviva
You have just discribed my student except he is only in grade 4. This was amazing for me to read as when I think about my student and his history in schools, and home’s you have depicted his future as I see it if we can’t reach him. Lot’s of wonderful qualities, just totally miss understood.
Thank you for sharing and I will look at the safe haven site.
This is great to hear! Are there any changes that you’re considering based on this post? I would love to hear more!
Aviva
“5 Look- Fors of a Self-Reg Heaven” is great to learn about!
Thanks Baljit! What really resonated with you here?
Aviva
Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope Sam finds his calm and is able to find his place in the school environment.
Thanks for the comment! I wonder what might help Sam find his calm.
Aviva
If you cannot see people with empathy, compassion, and love, it will surely be difficult to understand their behavior. I enjoyed reading this article and felt empathy for Sam.
Thanks for your comment! You’re making me think more about how we can always remember to see people through the lens of empathy, compassion, and love. I wonder what other stories people have to share.
Aviva