I have written many blog posts about the connection between relationships and Self-Reg. Recently though, I had an experience that really helped me see the impact of this connection.
Setting the Stage
It’s time for the mid-year Acadience assessments, and as a Reading Specialist, I have been administering a lot of these assessments at both of my schools. Since these assessments only take a few minutes to do, and I think that it’s valuable for classroom educators to observe them and be part of the process, I tend to do these assessments in the classroom. Some classrooms are louder or busier than others, but students are accustomed to the hum of noise and activity in their rooms, and I find that they are actually more distracted when we remove them from what is normal. I try then to tune out any distractions and just administer the test. It was during one of these experiences that I had the most unexpected interactions with a student.
About the Student
In one of my classes, I work periodically with a child who I am going to name “Ben” (not his real name due to privacy reasons). Ben is often dysregulated, especially as the day goes on. He can get loud and physical with other students for a variety of reasons. If an adult intervenes and asks him to stop, he is likely to get angry, and will often leave the classroom yelling. I have spent a lot of time thinking about Ben from a Self-Reg perspective, and noticing some of his stressors. As with all students, I definitely see the positive impact of relationships on his behaviour. Even if I’m not working with Ben, I try to stop by and talk with him.
- I always say, “hello,” to him in the morning.
- I ask him about his day over the Nutrition Break times.
- I talk to him about the sports that he likes to play.
- I try to observe him engaged in positive interactions with others, and praise him for his wonderful choices.
We’ve certainly connected, and over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that he often comes to bring me a chair and ask which children he can get for me whenever I come into his classroom. He likes to be wanted and needed, and I try to build off of this with some requests for help.
This Day Was A Different One
While everything I shared above is almost always true of my interactions with Ben, the other day was a little bit different. When I went into the classroom, there were a few children who were upset for various reasons. The environment was louder than normal. There were also some extra adults in the room, which further increased the noise. That’s when I noticed Ben: he was running and screaming between desks. He was definitely dysregulated, and his interactions with others were fuelling their reactions. I wanted to respond. I almost said something to him. I was afraid though that based on how he was feeling, my words would just make him further combative. I decided then to move some chairs farther away from him, so that I could work with a student facing the wall and against the back counter. My thought was that this might create the illusion of calm, even if I didn’t feel that calm at this point. It seemed to work, and the noise did not impact on the Acadience results.
The Biggest Surprise
While I was only in the classroom for about 20 minutes, it felt longer than that, and I was eager to take a break from the noise and activity when the Nutrition Break bell rang. It was then though that Ben surprised me. He walked by me as I was packing up my supplies and he said, “Miss Dunsiger, I’m really sorry that I was so loud and disruptive. I know that must have been hard for you. I will try not to do that again.” What?! In my few years of getting to know Ben, I’ve never heard him apologize before. Did the teacher say something to him? I asked. Not only did she not mention anything to Ben, but she was even more shocked than me to hear about his apology. This reminded me about the positive impact of relationships.
My Final Wonder
I also have to wonder if this experience ended on a positive note because I chose not to say anything at the time. I saw the behaviour as stress behaviour instead of misbehaviour, and I worried if my words would further dysregulate him. Can sometimes choosing to do nothing be our best choice of all? Thanks to Ben for the most genuine of apologies and a little extra learning for me along the way.
