Before the Worksheet: Finding the Strategy in a Hug

Blog written by Miranda Murphy, Self-Reg Online Facilitator and Reframing Bullying learner.

A few months ago, I read a reflection paper by a therapist friend, who was taking a Cognitive  Behavioural Therapy (CBT) workshop. He had been asked to apply the tools to his own life and  reflect on the experience. I found the paper both thoughtful and deeply relatable. 

What struck me most was his honesty; the kind many of us reserve for our inner monologue. He  wrote candidly about navigating anxiety, difficult emotions, and the challenge of applying  therapeutic techniques while life is still unfolding. 

Recognizing Self-Reg in Everyday Life

Near the end, he wrote something that immediately made me think: this is Self-Reg in action. One part, in particular, stayed with me: 

Involving my partner made the exercises more effective. Saying my thoughts out loud and  hearing them reiterated back to me helped them stick. But I noticed that when I felt  overwhelmed, my instinct wasn’t to reach for a worksheet. It was to hug my partner, to co regulate. That moment of connection helped me settle enough to return to the exercises in a more  grounded way.  

After completing the behavioural activation logs, I also learned how much my mood lifted during  simple social moments: time with friends, sharing a meal, being close to someone I love.  Protecting those moments felt essential. This helped me appreciate that, although CBT often  focuses on intrapersonal work, the interpersonal context, and the support available within it,  may also play a vital role for some of my clients, and should not be overlooked. 

When Connection Comes Before Problem Solving

Reading this, I recognized something in myself. In moments of distress, my go-to strategy is to  turn to my partner, usually for a long hug. It often comes before anything else. It helps me settle,  especially before making a difficult decision or in a very stressful moment. 

Self-Reg gave me a language for this. It helped me understand that when stress is high, our first  need is not analysis, but regulation. I’ve come to see that when I’m overwhelmed, my mind starts  racing, and even a simple to-do list can feel like it’s more complicated and time-consuming than  it really is. Before I can think clearly, I need to feel settled. 

The Role of Co-Regulation in Stress and Anxiety

I’ve started to notice this more intentionally. Instead of pushing through or trying to solve things  right away, I pause. I reach for connection when I need it. Even a brief moment of co-regulation  shifts something in my body. From there, it becomes easier to think, decide, and respond. 

This isn’t an argument against CBT. It remains a valuable and effective approach. But it is a  reminder that we are relational beings. Sometimes, before we can challenge a thought or  complete an exercise, we need connection, calm, and regulation first. 

A Hopeful Shift Through Self-Reg

Self-Reg offers a hopeful shift. We don’t have to force ourselves to think better when we feel  worse. We can begin by noticing stress and reducing it. Often, what restores us is simple:  connection, rest, and a sense of safety. Remembering this has changed how I respond, both to  myself and to others. And that, in itself, feels quietly transformative.

Learn More

You can learn more about Co-Regulation in our Self-Reg Foundations Program.

Podcast: Just How Important are Relationships Anyway?