By Giedrė Sujetaitė-Volungevičienė a Self-Reg in Early Childhood Development learner.
Here’s something I’ve learned the slow way, through living it: when a child’s behaviour shifts, it’s often pointing to a stressor we can’t yet see. That has been especially true with my daughter—and learning to look beneath the surface has changed everything for us.
Early signs of sensory sensitivity
My daughter is 9. From a very early age, she showed us how sensitive her sensory systems were. She experienced intense emotions in situations where other children did not. When she was 1-year-old, she cried whenever I put on her seatbelt. At 1.5 years, she refused to wear underwear. By 2.5 years, she was a very picky eater and had a fear of loud places. Adjustments took a long time and involved many tears.
School was noisy, and her classmates were often bothersome.
A new worry that didn’t fit the pattern
The most recent issue began this summer and was not related to sensory sensitivity. She started asking to leave the doors open at night and complained of headaches and stomach aches without any clear cause. After a visit to the doctor in autumn, she became more anxious about her health and even experienced an anxiety episode. She also began worrying about the health of other family members.
Learning to pause and ask different questions
At every step with my daughter, we were learning from our mistakes. Looking back now, we didn’t know about Self-Reg. Initially, we always interpreted situations as misbehaviour, but they were signalling stress behaviour.
After attending the Summer Symposium and completing the first part of the Self-Reg Early Childhood Development course, I have started to reflect more. I pause and ask Why and Why Now. Finding energy to ask myself these questions has made a significant difference in my relationship with my child.
Why does she want to leave the doors open at night? Why is she so anxious about the health of others and herself? Why did she experience an anxiety episode after the medical visit?
The moment things clicked
I sat down and asked her: what is happening?
She started with: I don’t want to tell you; I’m afraid you will be angry. But I kept listening, and she finally said, “I’m afraid of dying.”
The fear of death was the stressor. AHA! That made everything so clear. She understood what real death is. Naturally, I then Googled death. When do children start to understand that death is final? Around nine years old.
What Self-Reg helped me see
The Self-Reg courses provided the best support for me and inspired me to find my own energy to pause, ask why, and listen. They helped me begin observing and believing that my child can tell me, not the doctor, not somebody else.
My child was afraid to tell me, which concerned me and made me realize that I was not listening enough. I had been missing the signs of stress behaviour. Understanding that not all my daughter’s problems are related to her sensory system is a new discovery. She is a deep thinker, and cognitive growth can also be stressful for her.
