I’ve always had little personal “theories” about what makes people (including myself) tick. Maybe you do as well. My “theories” are speculative, not scientific. They are based on a combination of my experiences, observations and knowledge. These speculative “theories” are not always right, of course. But, as long as I’m open to learning and adjusting them as I go along, I find that they serve as a useful thinking framework as I try to make sense of people, the world and myself.
I went through oodles of “theories” about raising kids. Back when I wrote for Today’s Parent I was always trying to help parents (including me) find new, and more positive, hopeful ways to think about how to influence their children’s behaviours; particularly entrenched, troubling behaviours that cause lots of conflict and relationship tension, and often seem impervious to even the best positive discipline strategies.
Parents usually want to fix troubling behaviour problems fast. We don’t want our child to think they can “get away with it.”
But one thing I have observed is that entrenched, difficult behaviours seldom change quickly. Successful attempts to influence them usually work gradually, with the help of good relationships, ongoing guidance and modelling. And, especially with little kids, some behaviour improvement happens more or less naturally as children evolve as people.
So, I developed this idea that what parents should try to do is, rather than try to “change” kids’ behaviour quickly, they should try to gradually nudge it in the right direction. But, and here’s the key point, as we do that, we need to work hand-in-hand with the child’s “natural development.” Kids’ brains are continually maturing in ways that make it easier for them to learn and internalize norms of behaviour, and see the value in behaving well and getting along with people. That learning is, of course, not perfect, it’s often quite messy. But still, I think we get farther when we work with children’s development rather than butting heads with it. What do I mean by butting heads? One way would be to demand self-control that is beyond the child’s developmental abilities, and to continually push for it, to the detriment of the parent child relationship.
I’ve developed a similar speculative “theory” around practice five of Self-Reg: Restoration. One of the things Self-Reg gave me was a way to begin to grasp the complementary works of our brain-body stress response system. It’s a wonderfully complex set of mechanisms that I do not claim to fully understand. But one thing I picked up on my Self-Reg journey is that one part of our stress system is primarily about mobilization and arousal – helping us detect and gear up to face threats— and another part focuses more on recovery. When the stress or threat is over, the recovery system helps restore us to a brain-body state that is right for less stressful situations—walking in the woods, playing with our kids, or sleeping—as opposed to making an important presentation in front of a big group of people. We don’t consciously tell our recovery system to get to work; it just does it, reading and responding to signals that we don’t control.
So, my wee “theory” is that the things we choose to do (or just do reactively) in response to stress or its aftermath, can either support the work of our recovery system or work against it. For example, ruminating on a stressful event (replaying it, self-criticism, hyper-focusing on perceived unfairness) probably feeds mobilization—keeping our mobilization/threat system in gear, when we don’t really need it. Another example: doggedly trying to push through with a difficult task that is making us increasingly frustrated, angry and drained, when taking a break that restores energy and reduces tension (or simply asking ourselves Why and Why Now?) would be more productive and less stressful in the long run.
Rumination or trying to “power through” would make the recovery system have to work harder, and sort of interfere with its attempts to bring us to the balance we need. But doing something restorative like resting, exercising, eating something nutritious or engaging in an activity we love, not only helps us in the moment, it’s a way of working hand-in-hand with our brain’s efforts to bring us back to more of a calm alert state. In other words, perhaps adaptive restoration makes it easier for the recovery system to do its job behind the scenes.
Obviously, this “personal theory” doesn’t reflect the full intricacy of our stress response systems. But even if it lacks scientific complexity, this way of thinking helps me reflect on restoration— particularly how I can help my system help me recover from stress when I’m having a hard time pulling myself out of the mire. It also helps me store away a hopeful bit of knowledge. When stress has me stuck in an unproductive low energy/high tension state, my brain and body are still working to help me get out of it. That’s kind of comforting.
I’d love to know that others think. Do you think it’s possible to “help” your recovery system do its job? If so, how do you do it?
16 Comments
I would say so Yes. We have to learn to give our body/mind time to recover from all the stress we endure. There are so many possibly answers as to how we do this. Sit, relax, take a break from whatever it is that is stressing you out. Try getting your mind of the things that are stressing you out at the moment .
Tan, I love how you mentioned the different ways we do this. I wonder what other ways people use to help reduce stress and self-regulate.
Aviva
I totally agree we all need positive outlets for our stress. I find taking a walk helps me to both self-regulate and reduce stress. At work I will offer for a student to come with me, and we can just walk together not talk at this moment. This helps both of us self-regulate at the same time. I love the idea of giving yourself self-talk and gentle touch. I am going to try this. Thank you so much.
Thanks for the comment, Suzanne! I’m curious to hear if the walk option works for all students. I do love the idea of exploring different ways to self-regulate and supporting our students with doing the same.
Aviva
I’m a firm believer in exercising to reduce stress. I start my day with a 60 min. Workout, by the time I arrive at work I’m already to start my day. At the end of my day I walk my dog for one hour and recap my day and all the win, win’s of the day.
Thanks for sharing! I definitely find the same thing. I wonder though if this is a personal way that works to reduce stress. Does it work for everyone? I would love to hear more about one other think.
Aviva
The article is very thoughtful and explains the ‘personal theory’ in a simple, relatable way. I think we can help our recovery system. For me, taking breaks, listening to music, going for a walk, or talking to my loved ones helps me calm down. I also try not to overthink or stress too much about one situation. Small things like rest and doing something I enjoy really help me feel better and relaxed again.
Thanks for your comment, Nikita! I love how you noted what makes you feel calm. What do you know helps others feel calm? It’s interesting to look at some variations.
Aviva
For me, best way to recover from a stress is to sit and relax and go outside in the fresh air. i always try not to take stress in a negative way , i always think stress is a another way for me to think differently to solve the problem .
Thanks for your comment, Baljit! You make a great point about “positive stress.” This makes me wonder about some examples of positive stress — and how stress might help us at times. Thoughts?
Aviva
I’ve learned that there’s a concept in psychology called the 90 second rule.
It’s when you get the neurochemicals released when you get an emotional surge. So there’s cortisol and adrenaline flooding through your body, and it takes about 90 seconds to metabolize it. So in theory an intense emotion only lasts 90 seconds before it changes. However how this really looks in practice is when we feel intense stress we don’t let it naturally fade in those 90 seconds, we ruminate and retrigger it by repeatedly thinking of it and taking it further like, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted them, I can’t trust anyone really. I’m all alone in this.” etc. With every negative thought we have we spark that emotion and release the chemicals again, and stay in that feeling of stress so much longer. If we can be self aware and realize this as we deal with big emotions, and are able to sit in the uncomfortableness, we can fully focus on the physiological sensations and allow the feelings to sit and really really focus on just the feelings and not all the other stuff that usually goes with it, it could dissipate in around 90 seconds.
Thanks for your comment, Tuesday! This is really interesting. Thinking about this, I wonder what might help with this self-awareness. How might Self-Reg support this? Thoughts?
Aviva
Overthinking used to be a part of my daily life, but learning how to regulate myself through walking or exercising keeps me feeling fresh and headache-free.
This is great to hear! What inspired these changes? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Yes, I do believe I can have the recovery to do its job. Whenever I feel stressful, I stop overthinking and I find a spot to sit in nature and connect to nature as I am somehow recharged when I go out to calm down. Therefore, giving myself my kind of break (spending time in nature) helps me recovering.
Thanks for sharing out the impact that nature has had on you in terms of recovery. I wonder about this impact for kids. How might we get kids out more in nature?
Aviva