I’ve been thinking a lot about creating Self-Reg Havens these days as we get ready for the new school year. One big question that is not so easy to answer is: what makes a home, an early childhood centre, a school, or a community a haven? Stuart Shanker says he knows when he is in a Self-Reg school within about 90 seconds of walking in the front door because you “just feel it”. I know exactly what he means. But how do we define the “knowing” in some kind of concrete way? Another question from the TMC perspective is: how can we help those who are trying to figure out what actions to take to become a Self-Reg Haven?
In the video below you’ll see that after dropping off my daughter Siena at the amazing Camp Kawartha Environment Centre this morning, I realized that one important starting place was: I KNOW a haven when I find one.
You probably do too. Just think of your favorite place to be and then consider what makes it so special.
Siena’s camp is clearly a haven on so many levels. I will share some photos and more details on the camp and what’s so special about it in my next vlog. But today I wanted to explore some thinking about:
- The different kinds of Self-Reg journeys
- Why there really is no real way of “getting ready” to be a haven
- That the decision to be a haven can happen on a dime
- That Self-Reg gives us the “how”
Do share some of your own ‘haven thinking’ in the blog comments. I’d love to hear more of your perspectives on finding and creating Self-Reg Havens.
63 Comments
Wow!!! Thank you Susan , so many take a way’s here. Self regulation is the science between our spirit journey. How amazing is that!! What I will carry with me is when you said ” It is not just what is planned it is what is lived!” So special and important.
Great words to live by.
Dear Sara:
I definitely feel like there is a spirt level to this work. It is so much more than managing behaviours or emotions or a bucket of strategies to reduce stress.
The work of Ted Aoki on the tension between curriculum as planned AND lived experiences always resonated with me. Thank you for the response.
Susan
Haven
To me is the sense of belonging freedom of expression and to feel valued. To be heard and feel a positive vibe and sharing the calm. This is the vision I have had for my program. I have been working hard to achieve this, now with an amazing team we are starting to become Haven and with listening and understanding the science you have taught and and will teach us I am sure we will get there.
Wow I like this video because it’s very informative. it also teaches you to know that the children and the teachers are all involved in planning of activities which is very important for growth and self-regulation.
Hi
I love the comment about the spirit journey. I have never used that term but is sure going to read about what people are feeling when the term is used.
Thanks
Thanks for sharing, Ingrid. After doing more reading, what comes to mind when you hear this term? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
What a lovely video, thank you Susan! i really liked the connection you made between the science and self-reg becoming a spirit journey. What a fantastic way of describing it. I found the quote, “it is not just what is planned it is what is lived” to be a way of not only encaging the children in the learning but extending it beyond with their ideas and thoughts and how they think about things. When this happens it opens up a whole new dimension to teaching and having the children feel part of the lesson.
Thank you for the response, Chris.
I began learning the science that underpins Self-Reg and how to apply it as an educator and educational leader over a decade ago. I really thought I knew what self-regulation was and was quite shocked to realize how many variations on the definition are out there and why it mattered so much. I soon began to realize that it was about so much more than my job. It has changed who I am as a mother, a human, a colleague and a friend. There is definitely a spirt level to it in my life. Glad that resonated for some folks.
I loved your idea about opening “up a whole new dimension to teaching and having the children feel part of the lesson.”
“It is not just what is planned, it is what is lived”. Wow, there is so much to reflect on and think about what we can do collectively in this profession. How do we support children and families with a space and environment that allows them to be them, in the most authentic and connected way possible? This is big.
Thank you for the response Yi-Han!
What an important point you made when you mentioned “what we can do collectively in this profession.”
Educators change lives.
Susan
Wow! You have a wonderful ability to communicate ideas and thoughts, that help us understand the possibilities and importance of what we do every day! I invision a haven that is calm, fun and loving. My hope is that every day will be an adventure!
Thanks Wendy for your comment! I agree that Susan is wonderful in communicating thoughts and ideas in a way in which we can all really connect with what she’s sharing. Have you experienced a haven before? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I love that statement ‘it is not what is planned it is what is lived’
I agree! Why does this statement resonate with you, Shona?
Aviva
What a wonderful video so many great points to take away and learn from. I really like the connection you made between Self-Reg and a Spiritual journey. I like the idea of the children we work with being involved and feeling part of the lesson.
This is fitting with your quote “It is not just what is planned it is what is lived”
I believe that when children feel safe and loved and valued, the learning that takes place comes natural.
Thanks for your response Carolyn. Your last line says it all: “I believe that when children feel safe and loved and valued, the learning that takes place comes natural.”
Susan
Dear Susan,
The irony here of me living life, also as a single Mom, working full-time and taking courses to grow and learn, and better serve, while also feeling my own stress and blocks to learning, doesn’t escape me.
What you said about how everything essentially comes back to the five steps within the five domains of Self-Reg is something I actually felt in this module because of my own increased stressors this week. I watched each video twice because I wasn’t absorbing anything at all. I normally feel joy with this work, but I felt pressured to learn and say the right thing, all the while taking care of everyone in my world. Who I forgot to take care of was myself.
I’m sharing this because, when I got to your video, you not only said, but you also did something that lifted something in me. You said (and used) “soft eyes and compassion” is how we need to see and meet someone’s limbic responses. Watching your video about havens, spoken with a gentle tone, along with your offer of support in any way you can help, reduced the stressor within me that I’d put on myself.
Laura and Samantha have also been very clear about being supportive and accommodating to anyone who may need it and this goes a long way to allow me, (a grown woman), to be receptive to learning.
The way this translates to children, who live in that connected state of energy, and rely on us, as higher brained individuals, speaks volumes to how important it is that we take care of ourselves, and use the 5 steps of Self-Reg reflectively on ourselves so we are able to lend our calm to children.
The sense of a haven, and the peaceful, intuitively knowing, that comes with being in such a space, has so many layers, yet, as you stated, has no real beginning. For me, the beauty lies within the fact that you can just chose it.
Soft eyes, meeting moments with compassion, loving and accepting the child for who they are and where they’re at, combined with knowing when to follow the child and throw out classroom management, and welcome safety and love, is profound.
Thank you for delivering this within a safe, and compassionate framework.
Shannon
Lots to think about here, as I am not an ECE but I work with them to increase their skills.
I feel these things when I am with them- compassion, curious, open, reflective, supportive and empathic. I’m hoping I can support them in their relationships with the children they care for by supporting them as ECE’s.
I can’t wait to work towards embedding Self-Reg principals and processes in kindergartens and child care centres. This is the change that’s needed so badly for our most vulnerable kids.
Havens! what a lovely way of looking at a classroom. It really does bring all the points combined of self reg into physical relation and actuality. To me its like the five domains make the body and the safe Haven is the quilt which covers it. Absolutely beautiful!
What a easy listening video. There is no one answer, but good planning is critical if we are to keep children regulated and calm. Surveying the room, what’s working and locating where the energy is, is key to bringing things back down to a calm and safe space.
Thanks for your comment, Brian! I agree with you about the video. What are some different things that you look at when surveying the room? I’d love to hear more!
Aviva
What an inspiring video Susan! Inspiring because it really got me thinking about the powerful statement “It is not just what is planned, it is what is lived!” I see the “exciting calmness” and consequently the learning that transpires in our kindergarten community when curriculum emerges from children’s passions and lived experiences. In the context of Early Childhood, I am thinking about “safe havens” as a journey both children and educators embark on together. The “safe havens” this year might look different than next, as each year we uncover new ways of being and thinking, together in a harmonious community.
By the way, I am LOVING the ECD Self-Reg course!
Mariela, I love your comment about “safe havens,” and how they are a “journey both children and educators embark on together.” What might this partnership look like in a school space? Have you experienced any Havens that you can share with us? I’d love to hear more!
Aviva
Thank you Susan. I really connected with your video. Some of the teachers I work with have moved to the learning environment, being a haven of connected individuals in a safe, welcoming environment. The calm that you experience when you enter their rooms are almost beyond what words can describe. It connects individuals and they are able to experience true calm.
I love how you shared this experience, Leanne! My wish is that everyone could experience this. I wonder how we create and nurture even more of these Self-Reg Havens.
Aviva
My self-reg have is my home. I feel relaxed and comfortable.
Thanks for your comment! What about outside of your home? What might you need to have this “haven” feel? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
After viewing your video Susan I reflected on my current school environment and asked myself, “Is our school a safe haven?” When I walk into and through our school space, I asked myself these questions, “What do I hear, see and feel from the perspective of a school Leader, teacher, colleague and community advocate (students and families/ carers)? What will the answer be if I asked my co leaders, colleagues and school community? While working within a context where you are presented with a range of complexities constantly across a school day, it can be challenging to meet moments with soft eyes and compassion at the adult level, opposed to a young student needing an adult to co-regulate within a self- reg safe haven is implemented with ease.
Cindy, thanks for sharing these questions that you asked yourself. These are fantastic! I am going to ask myself them too. What a great topic of discussion at maybe even a staff meeting, for example. Are you comfortable with sharing any of your insights? If schools are not a “safe haven” yet, it would be interesting to look at what’s needed for that to happen.
Aviva
Amazing, never thought of it this way. It amazes me how havens actually have a big impact on life and we tend to jump into conclusion. I knew my house was a Haven the minute me and my family moved in, i had a feeling and said this is where i want to live, to build memories and that feeling was right.
That’s so wonderful to hear, Emmy! I wonder how we can create more of these havens for people.
Aviva
Thanks Susan : I feel that nature is a very big part of self reg and exploring and problem solving . I think we try to put to much into our day with the children. We follow their lead for sure. How ever there is so many other things we put on the educator. That we interrupt a haven by going through the day. Letting go and be in the moment with the children the learning that will happen is incredible. The impact of this is such a safe haven for the children. The educator s are making their connection with the children when they are working in the moment and just let it evolve
Thanks for the comment, Lesley! I would love to hear more about what this might look like in schools or classrooms. Do you have any examples to share? I really loved your focus on relationships and being there for kids.
Aviva
Haven- I think this is an important way of looking at a place. A place where you can feel safe and not just in the physical sense. People hear the word safe and they usually attribute it to the idea of physical safety. It is so much more than that and we need to help other educators to be able to provide this sense of security for our students.
Thanks Jenny! I agree. How do you think we could go about creating and nurturing these havens? I would love to hear more!
Aviva
To me a safe Haven is a place that I feel safe or with people that make me feel comfortable and welcome. A safe Haven is where a person weather being an adult or a child feels safe.
Yvette, I love this thinking around safety. How might we go about creating and nurturing these havens? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
What a wonderful video. I now understand what our families mean when they say our childcare is more home than their home.
We are blessed to have enough space to offer a small room that is called our family room. In it is a table with 4 chairs and a small couch and equipped with a phone if parents need to use one. I have had the privilege to sit and listen to family problems, stress and just to listen. I never realized until now how important that safe haven room is. ❤️
Thanks for sharing this! What a wonderful space. What do you think helps make it such a haven? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
To me a safe haven is a place, person that i feel comfortable with. Someone or something I look forward to see or being with. I believe that getting to know one of my students and his stressors before I placed a plan really helped me, knowing what he needs and how he is most comfortable. He often became angry with others, plus he is a runner. I had placed a small tent in the corner of the classroom for him and I started taking him there to talk and let him know that this is a place for him when he is mad a needs a moment to himself. I helped him with my words to understand that when he felt the urge to run out, to remember his safe space and to let me know he is going there. I also told him that if he needed a break or a walk to tell me and I would always be there for him and I would always go with him. Creating a safe Haven at home or work always in my eyes start from listen and hearing with our eyes and ears, understanding one another is a must. without understanding one another we don’t have a good relationship. You need to have a good relationship and understanding of one another to create that safe Haven.
So many great thoughts in here, Yvonne! I think sometimes hearing examples really helps with determining what a Haven might look and feel like. Your example illustrates this. I wonder if others feel the same.
Aviva
Love the language of safe haven and the importance of relationships in creating these spaces, not just the physical aspect of what a safe haven might look like, it’s about what it feels like as well.
Thanks Tracey! I absolutely agree with you about safe havens. What would one feel like to you?
Aviva
I love the way you use the phrase ‘safe haven’—it resonates deeply, as a sense of security is essential for every human being. I truly believe in the saying, ‘I am not a teacher, but an awakener.’ As teachers and educators, we have a unique and powerful role in offering children a profound sense of safety and belonging. It’s heartwarming when children seek me out when they’re sad, scared, angry, or overwhelmed; it tells me I have become a trusted source of comfort in their lives. Knowing I can be that safe space for them is incredibly meaningful.
Thanks for sharing, Shirley! How did you help create this safe space? I would love to hear more. Maybe this will inspire the creation of even more “safe havens.”
Aviva
THANK YOU SUSAN
such a beautiful video it is. The calm you feel upon entering their rooms is truly indescribable.
I absolutely agree! How can this become a reality in more classrooms and schools? Thoughts?
Aviva
Al observar y escuchar toda la información que nos brindas sobre como es un refugio, el establecimiento de relaciones que es la clave real, al ser espacios seguros en los cuales las personas deben sentir una seguridad relacional y emocional, ver cómo lo explicas la tranquilidad que emanas, me ha resultado extraordinario, como maestra de pequeñines soy constantemente un refugio de contención emocional, ya que ellos (no todos) vienen con problemas de estrés ocasionados en el interior de la familia, al tratarlos con cariño, hacerles saber que son importantes para mí, escucharlos y brindarles contención emocional hace que aunque enfermos vengan al jardín, no desean irse del aula a casa ,cómo dices: refugio seguro, es lo que creo que mis niños, niñas sienten al estar en el aula conmigo. Muchas gracias.
Thanks for sharing about your experiences, Hilda! I would love to hear more about some things you do to provide this emotional support to kids They definitely look to adults for support.
Aviva
Cambiar nuestra forma de pensar y hacer, es un aspecto clave!
Thanks for the comment, Olga! You make a great point here. How do you see doing this? What might be getting in the way of these changes? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Me encanta la manera en que llamamos a estos espacios “refugios” porque me puedo identificar con esa palabra, para mi un refugio es un sinónimo de seguridad de calma. de descanso. de tomar impulso para salir de nuevo a afrontar el estrés. Y estoy convencido de que como sociedad debemos promover muchos refugios emocionales para que nuestros niños puedan gestionar mejor el estrés y tomar desiciones desde un estado de autorregulación que les permita alcanzar su máximo potencial cognitivo y humano.
Thanks for your comment, Jean! How do you help model this? I would love to hear more about what this might look like in your classroom.
Aviva
Considero que una forma de reconocer un refugio es cuando al entrar los demás se comportan con naturalidad, cuando el espacio está libre de las poses sociales de lo “debería ser”, cuando el adulto centrismo e individualismo ha sido superado y conviven como una comunidad real, libre de prejuicios. Donde los niños pueden moverse con libertad y sentir y transitar sus emociones sin que se les exija ser “pequeños adultos”. Por ejemplo en el albergue (Refugio del Espíritu Santo RESA) en el que colaboro, el ruido de los juegos de los niños, de las conversaciones de los adultos compartiendo, sin duda reflejan la libertad de ser uno mismo.
Thanks for sharing about your experience! I would love to hear a little bit more about this. Do adults ever find the need to support children in this play at the shelter? What might this coregulation look like?
Aviva
Susan has such a wonderful way to express the importance of what we do every day and the impact we make on the children and their families on a day to day basis.
“Its not what is planned, its what is lived”
The children have more fun and get more experience creating a craft that they enjoy and love as well as visionizing it they way they want to create it.
Watching the expressions on the children’s faces while they are creating the craft, then, later in the day, talking and showing their parents what they created, is priceless.
The trust we build in our own safe haven ( classroom) is the best feeling.
Thanks for your comment! I love how you expressed this. Your talk of the Safe Haven also makes me think about our stress level as well as the stress level of students. How does one impact the other and how does our knowledge of this impact the choices we make? Creating this positive classroom community is so important.
Aviva
i believe this is very important for the children to know that there is a quiet place for them to go, with in sight of the teachers, so they can be alone. Some thing like a fort, with some stuffies, some books, and maybe something they brought from home. Anything that can build the safe haven that we all need most day, at some point, throughout the day. Sometimes we just need some down time away from everything else.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! While I see a fort as being calming for some kids, it’s very dysregulating for others. Have you ever found this? I wonder how students might build these different spaces with us. This year, many of my Grade 2 and 3 students, label parts of the room as their “happy space.” I have to wonder if students in other grades might be able and interested in doing the same. Thoughts?
Aviva
Lived experiences in early childhood are the meaningful, hands-on moments children encounter each day, sharing stories of families and experiences. Moments that shape their understanding of the world. In early learning, the process matters far more than the product. When children explore, create, problem-solve, and express their ideas freely, they build confidence, develop essential skills, and form genuine connections. These lived experiences are the foundation of authentic learning and growth.
Thanks for sharing, Elizabeth! I love how you phrased this. I wonder if process over product matters just as much as children get older. What do you think?
Aviva
Self-Reg Havens
Thank you Susan. You really got me thinking about things in my life. How being outdoors calms me when I have had a long and stressful day. Just relaxing and sitting on the porch with my husband (ahh). I see this in my grandchildren as well. My husband and I had our grandson most days during covid. They were usually 12 hour days. We went for long stroller walks. He would point to the direction he wanted to go. He was happy. No tears just happy. I took both of my grandchildren to an outdoor preschool program called Oaks and Acorns. Activities were set up and they choose what they wanted to engage with. It finished with a hike through a forest to the lake. My grandson attended a summer camp called Ways of the Woods (the name says it all). The children were almost alway tired but very happy. I never gave these programs a label but I will now call them a haven.
I work in Early ON. I have always worked to make it a place that families look forwad to attending. They help decide what we do. We plan together. Many come every day. I wonder if hearing you speak they might lable the centre a haven. I hope so!
Thanks for sharing about your experience, Ingrid. I love that you feel this “Self-Reg Haven” where you work. I’m curious if others also have experienced this, and if not, what would need to happen to have a Self-Reg Haven. It really is the most incredible feeling!
Aviva