Blog by Kayley Inuksuk Mackay, a Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program Learner.
Something clicked for me during this module. I think I have been understanding a few of the steps from a purely cognitive lens. The History of the Self-Control Paradigm just landed in such a way that it unlocked a deeper level of understanding. It seems rather silly to me that it happened this far into the Foundations courses, but then again, I suppose decades of programming is no easy thing to rattle loose.
In my own experience, there are several types of messages that I hear when times get tough, tension gets high, and energy gets low. In place of a Self-Reg paradigm, I believe these self-control-based phrases were absorbed and adopted to help me get by. Generally, here are the ones I hear:
“Never give up.”
“Keep pushing.”
“Suck it up.”
“Nobody likes a crybaby.”
“Quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.”
“Rest is for the weak.”
“No one is coming to save you, so pick yourself up and get it done.”
You get the idea. Although this type of messaging brings a type of sting with it, I found it effective – unpleasant, but effective. Effective at getting things done. Less effective at delivering experiences of calm, happiness, joy, and setting the scene for rest to take place.
When Effort Becomes the Only Strategy
I feel like a single, unattached adult can get away with this type of philosophy longer than a parent can. Having children collided with this strategy, hard. You can only go without so much sleep, food, breaks, fueled purely by hope that things will eventually be ok. The parenting I grew up with left me with the sense that I had a gauntlet to run to get my boys to better shores. I made up my mind to buckle up and run. We were going to make it – we were going to get there – wherever “there” was. When things were hard and dysregulation was rampant, I took it as a sign to try harder, and if that didn’t work, try something new. I tried many, many, many things from literally hundreds of different sources. There are so many takes out there when it comes to parenting. Not all of them are even remotely helpful.
Searching Harder Instead of Slowing Down
Never in a million years did I think the answer might lie in doing less.
Maximum effort all the time was all I had. And it is hard to let go of. I would say this unhelpful thing to myself when I got really overwhelmed: “How can I be trying so hard to be doing this poorly?” It baffled me and left me feeling like I just couldn’t “make it” and was going to have to scrape the bottom of the barrel for a little more energy to try yet another thing, and to apply even more effort than the last time.
Trying So Hard That I Couldn’t Truly Notice
So, when Dr. Shanker talked about noticing, I imagined this to be an activity that required loads of effort, and I found it stressful. And that stress caused confusion. I found myself understanding the steps cognitively, but unable to apply them personally to experience. The whole thing just felt too stressful, and I began to think perhaps this is just something that I am unable to do. It was disheartening to agree with what I was hearing wholeheartedly, but be unable to access it even though I really, really wanted to.
Learning What It Means to Notice Without Judgment
Then, at the end of the last module, Susan made that comment about catching herself “trying” and that signaled her to gear down and truly notice without judgment. I have no idea why that was the line that did it, but it was. That played right into the next video at the beginning of Foundations 3 Module 6, very clearly illustrating the difference between the Self-Reg and the Self-Control Paradigms and the history of the Self-Control Philosophy.
I realized I had no idea how to be a nonjudgmental observer. I had no idea how to notice without
immediately redirecting massive amounts of energy toward what had to be done, and certainly before I had a true understanding of what the stressors and hidden stressors even were. Fix, fix, fix, fast, fast, fast, now, now, now was the program running, and I did not fully realize how deep or intense it was. So, I figured there was no harm in seeing if I was even able to notice without trying, without immediately placing value judgments on myself to explain why a thing hadn’t gone to plan and jumping into action.
“I’m Noticing…” – The Moment Everything Shifted
At first, I found myself trying, like Susan said, so I just kept putting the idea down and picking it up again saying to myself, “I’m noticing…” And it clicked. “I’m noticing I’m feeling really guilty for not being able to do it all, all the time.” For some reason, that seems difficult to explain, that zoomed me out just a couple of frames, and I felt like I got a clearer picture. Other questions started forming. Did I need to do it all, all the time? Was this required? By who? Do I expect this of others? Hmm. Maybe I don’t need to do it all, all the time, and maybe that isn’t “bad.”
Doing Less, Feeling More
Once I felt what this experience was like in my system, I got it. I understand. Since then, I have been continually pulling out the phrase “I’m noticing…” and it keeps zooming me out just a couple of frames so that I can get a clearer look (ironically, I have tried variations of noticing in the past like “name it, tame it” but something about applying too much effort and remaining in a judgmental seat toward myself made it futile). That extremely simple and previously misunderstood step was the key that is now unlocking all the other steps in a much more tangible and experiential way. Feeling it, experiencing it, is making it something I can never forget.
Relief Instead of Effortful Control
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that this happened when it did. The timing is exceptional and nearly poetic. It seems kind of funny to me that it happened in such an innocuous and uneventful way, on a random afternoon, when I wasn’t looking for it, because of one sentence in an online video. But, doesn’t that kind of suit the realization?
Oh man, am I glad I didn’t find what I was looking for in a fury of effortful control! The relief of finding out that the solution is in doing less, not more, has me moving, and not moving, differently.
Learn more about the Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program here.
