Seeds
Quilt
Haven
By: Nancy Niessen
When I began formally learning about Self-Regulation I was an educator in the public school system looking for ways to better support my students. In particular, I wanted to find more ways to help students with perceived behavioural needs. I quickly realized that Self-Regulation was as important for me and my life as it was for my students. Anyone learning about Stuart Shanker’s Self-Regulation will be familiar with this phenomenon: it’s not long into the journey before we realize that the journey starts with us.
Fast forward several years and I’m now retired from teaching. My interests have shifted to include the elderly and those who interact with and care for them. Self-Reg is equally important for the elderly and their caregivers as it is for educators and students.
Let me start by sharing that my life includes my 94 year old mother who still lives in her own house. She is able to do so because of the support that my partner and I provide for her. I am the person who gets my mother to her medical appointments. My partner and/or I take her grocery shopping each week and make sure that her garbage and recycling get put out on Sunday evenings.
Odd jobs are typically done by my partner. I’m the one to help her with Christmas and birthday shopping. One of us gets her to the bookstore when she is out of things to read. Mom, or “Gram” as she is most often referred to, participates in the give and take by baking cookies for us and the grandkids, cutting articles out of the paper that she thinks will be of interest to us, saving magazines for us to read, giving us plants from her garden and providing gardening advice.
What I have noticed about my interactions with my mother is that my own Self-Regulation is a significant factor in determining how our encounters will go. The terms “limbic resonance” and “coregulation” come to mind. Shanker’s expression, “Calm begets calm,” plays out time and time again for me. If I am well-rested, clear-headed and in a relaxed state, my interactions with my mother typically go well overall. If I am head-full, tired, rushed and/or have any other myriad of stressors in play, I tend to be less patient with my mother.
She has an abundance of her own stressors, including hearing loss, visions issues, increasing social isolation, concern about living alone and how long she can continue doing so, being a burden to me, etc. so it is of paramount importance that I be at my best. I am the co-regulator. Unless I’m not…
When I find myself in a state of Low Energy/High Tension, and interaction with my mother has been less than ideal, it’s important to reflect on what happened—with her and with me. I need to remember compassion for both of us, and after some time to restore and recharge my energy I can try again. Doing a check-in about where I am on the Thayer Matrix before seeing my mother can be helpful so that I’m aware of potential traps I might fall into. Sometimes, it is in the reflection afterwards that I see how my place on the Matrix impacted our connection.
Much of what we might think of as coming from TMC and self-reg.ca is focussed on education and the educator/student relationship or the parent/child relationship.
However, I’m finding so many parallels and connections to confirm that Self-Reg is ageless. Self-Reg applies to all of us and to all of our relationships, whatever our age. Reframing allows us to look at our own behaviour and that of our elderly parents with “soft eyes”. It allows us to look at options for what is happening vs being stuck in blame mode, frustration, anger or whatever mode it is that we find ourselves in. The science of self-regulation allows us to more knowledgeably navigate challenging situations and changing relationships with compassion—for both ourselves and for our elderly relatives and/or clients. Self-regulation is truly for everyone and, as Dr. Shanker suggests, it’s never too late to learn.
Nancy Niessen is a retired elementary teacher whose career spanned over three decades. Most of her time was spent in the Early Years and Special Education. During her teaching career, she also instructed ETFO’s Kindergarten Specialist AQ and was part of her local Reggio Study Group.
Nancy is in fact stating facts as they are for most relationships whether with our relatives, friends’ colleagues, friends of our own children, Relationships are a two-way traffic in terms of interactions. Our interactions with other human beings whether young or old, requires that we be in our best disposition by self-regulating ourselves so as to make the best of that interaction. Understanding the Thayer Matrix above helps us understand ourselves and self-regulate to enhance the possibility of positive interaction with the people we are to interact with. Yes, calmness begets calmness.
I agree, Geoffrey! Have you had any experiences that help illustrate this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
It is much easier to establish correct communication in a standard of living where we can meet our basic needs and rest our mind and body.
Thanks for sharing! What are some different ways that you think we can support these needs?
Aviva
I can relate to these comments. Our family/whānau have a great respect when it comes to looking after our kaumatua/elders. Been patience and been there for them helps them to self-regulate and also yourself. Your tone of voice whether it is soft gentle, they can relate to. Even though they might be elderly, they can still pick up what good and what is not so good.
Thanks for sharing, Ana! I wonder how these same approaches might also work when taking care of other adults or kids. Thoughts?
Aviva
Nancy’s story so resonates deep within me. There have been many times I’ve had to check myself and re-set insuring I’m not in a red brain space when needing to be there for others. As I progress on the journey of Self-Reg it’s so apparent to me that this is a living philosophy, much like Te Aho Matua which is the foundation for all Kura Kaupapa Māori in New Zealand. Relationships, how we show up, how we interact, checking in with ourselves, being kind, supporting others, staying calm.
Thanks for sharing, Lou! Such important points here. How do we remember to do this more often? What have you tried? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Relationships/Connection is in an important aspect of my day to day life. Interactions with my own family is key to my happiness. We share a meal every 2nd week and we just get to be & share kōrero with each other and be present, listen and talk about what’s happening in our busy lives.
Tiaki tō whare wānanga – is my daily Check-in with myself, to make sure I’m okay, because only then can I be present for my co-workers, my family, friends and the children in front of me, coming to learn.
Thanks for your comment! I love hearing about what you do. It’s interesting when you mentioned your daily check to ensure that you are okay. If you don’t feel OK, what do you do? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
This prompt encourages reflection on the timeless value of reframing—the ability to shift perspective and see situations in a new light. It highlights that reframing isn’t limited by age or role; it’s a skill that supports emotional growth, resilience, and connection across all stages of life. Whether you’re a child, teacher, or leader, reframing helps us respond with empathy and insight, making it a powerful tool for lifelong learning and well-being.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on reframing, Marata! Have you seen this in action? Can you share more? I would love to hear about some of your experiences.
Aviva