Here’s a statement that I’ve heard many times before: “I wonder how I’ll feel now that my child is in the same class as THAT child.” Another school year has begun, and as parents and students start to get to know classmates and find out more about them, there always seems to be this fear around “THAT child“. “THAT child” can be so many different kids:
Sometimes it’s a child with an identification: from ADHD to Autism. Sometimes it’s a child that screams, kicks, bites, or throws furniture. “That child” may hit, punch, or grab. “That child” likely does not use their “words” to solve problems.
It often seems as though “that child” needs and gets the most attention from the teacher.
“That child” may:
- need a different schedule
- have a different set of rules
- always have to be first in line
- need to sit on a chair instead of at the carpet
- need to avoid full-class activities altogether
- be different…and that’s okay.
For you see, here is something that I have not said enough when people have spoken to me about “that child”: maybe it’s time that we move from focusing on the “negative” to examining the “positive.”
Here are some ways that we can reframe this situation:
This child is helping others to:
- learn empathy
- learn to be patient
- learn that the teacher is not the only person that can help out in a classroom
- learn respect
- learn that everyone deserves a friend
- learn the value of a quiet voice and fewer words
- learn that every child deserves to be loved, and the different ways that we can show this love
- learn that there is no such thing as a “bad child,” and often there is another reason for the many different behaviours that we see
This student is someone’s brother, sister, peer, friend, and/or child. Also, this student is doing the very best job that they can. This student — like all students — deserves a positive space in the classroom. At one time or another, any child can be “that child”, and every child needs to know that they have the additional love and support to make it through a challenging time.
Imagine if we never thought about children as this child or that child, but just a child: each of whom needs us in different ways at different times, and teaches us different things along the way.
From now on, I will try to speak up more when I hear concerns about “THAT child”, as I think it’s time that we start removing the labels and focusing on what we can learn from everybody. Maybe it’s that child who will teach us the most about Self-Reg, and imagine how valuable that could be. How do we help change the dialogue around “THAT child”, and see the value in ALL children? As a new school year begins, I want to remain focused on how much we can learn from each child.
82 Comments
Great read.
I Pledge: From now on, I will try to speak up more when I hear concerns about “THAT child”, as I think it’s time that we start removing the labels and focusing on what we can learn from everybody. Sara Riley thank you for those words , I will pledge.
Thanks Sara! This makes me so happy to read. I would love to hear about how this reframing changes people’s perception of kids and how it changes children’s perception of themselves. You’re making me think.
Aviva
I agree, ‘that child’ is often the cause of stress on many teachers including myself. I will make a conscious effort to remove the label and celebrate all children
Thanks for sharing! I would love to hear how that goes and any learning you have along the way.
Aviva
Over the many years as an RECE, I have seen this many times. It is well over due that we are the voice to give support to “that child”! By helping them, we provide all children with the understanding of compassion, respect, inclusion, love and so much more! Great read!
Thanks Wendy! What are some ways that you see or have helped “give a voice to that child?” I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I pledge to stop and remove the labelling about that child and try to focus more on reframing the situation. Take time to look, listen and engage in conversation with peers about a child and what we can learn from a child to help them.
Thanks for the comment, Chris! I would love to hear about how this changes their behaviour and/or even a classroom dynamic. Please share. 🙂
Aviva
This article speaks so dearly to me. I remember vividly that I was feeling very overwhelmed at some point hearing colleagues or parents say “that child” did this, “that child” is like that again and etc. I probably was in red brain at that moment, definitely combative mode, because to me “that child” is just a child like anyone else who needs love and a sense of safety. Thank you so much for this article, it truly resonates to me and my philosophy.
Thanks for your comment, Yi-Han! It’s interesting that you mentioned that you were probably in “red brain.” I wonder if I was also in red brain. I wonder how we could respond during these moments to maybe even help reframe THAT child for others. What do you think?
Aviva
This article resonates with me, as a mother, grandmother, foster-parent, and as an ECE. Much of my time spent raising foster children and working in a child-care setting was spent advocating for the child as an individual Not the ” good” or “bad” labels that were put on the children.
I can totally relate to the ” That child” may… as well as The different ways to refrain from.
I pledge to continue to be a strong advocate in helping to lose the labels.
Thank you so much for your comment, Carolyn! It sounds like many children have been fortunate to have you as their advocate. This reminds me of one of my favourite TED Talks: every child does need a champion.
https://www.ted.com/talks/rita_pierson_every_kid_needs_a_champion?language=en
Aviva
As a parent of “that child” this was beautiful to read, and touched me deeply. I love what you have written about what the child is teaching others. It would be an amazing world if every one was able to hear or read these words.
I was taught during my ECE diploma that there is no such thing as a bad child. I remember mentioning this to someone from an older generation and they scoffed at the idea. I explained that a child could make a bad choice, but that didn’t make them bad. To this day I have never told a child that they were “bad”
Thanks so much for your comment, Jennifer! I remember learning something similar in the Faculty of Education, and it really stops me when I’m responding to students (and even as I view them). It’s important to separate the behaviour from the child. And then from a Self-Reg perspective, it’s good to question “why” we’re seeing this behaviour in the first place. Jennifer, I hope that you can continue to share your story and your views with others. A little reminder to reframe our view of “that child” is always valuable in my opinion.
Aviva
Thank you for sharing this. It really resonated with me. This quote “just a child: each of whom needs us in different ways at different times, and teaches us different things along the way” really spoke to me. Every child is a gift, and is unique and will need different things at different times. So important. Thank you
Thanks Katherine! I wish that we could all share more regularly what we learn from each child. This might make us view behaviour differently. What do you think?
Aviva
That Child
Every child is a unique being whom has bumps in their journey. To be labeled that child, is not a thing we educators should be doing. The love and respect the small humans in our lives should be never discouraged because of a child’s choices or unable to self regulate.
Tammy, I completely agree with you. How do we change this from happening? I would love to hear more of your ideas.
Aviva
I’m the parent of a child who behaved in ways that made everyone shift into red brain – parents, teachers, family, peers. It was absolutely rotten for us and I can only imagine what it was like for him.
Over the years, I’ve started reading and researching the why’s, which is why I love Self-Reg.
I have huge empathy for those kids who stand out the most in early childhood settings. I am always curious about the why’s and am getting better at unpacking that. Self-Reg will add another layer of knowledge to my tool kit. So far it is aligning perfectly with the other frameworks / theories/ practices I utilise, such a useful resource.
I hope I can influence the child care centres I work in so that they can shift their thinking and practise. Small steps through holding space and creating safety in my relationships with the adults who care for the kids.
Thanks for your comment, Jacinta! It sounds like both kids and adults are so lucky to work with you. I love how you mentioned the “why” here. It’s amazing how our perspective can change with just one little question … right?!
Aviva
Learning the value of a quite voice and fewer words. This carries with it the ability to learn and evolve from, “That Child” to “Every Child” and it truly resonates with me. Thank you for helping build this awareness Aviva!
Thanks Afrah! I would be very curious to hear from you and others what this might actually look like in the home and/or classroom. I wonder if this might give all of us some different perspectives when it comes to kids.
Aviva
This article is truly inspiring! Every child deserves the opportunity to be seen as a good kid.
This reminded me about the pygmalion effect, how we think about others influence our actions towards them impacting their beliefs about themselves and therefore their actions towards us.
Thanks Andrea! I completely agree. Self-Reg starts with us … right?!
Aviva
This is a very triggering topic for me:( My son was “That child”. I finally found a teacher that would help us and understand him when he reached Highschool. It took until he was the age of thirteen before we got help:( Elementary school was very traumatizing for him and me as a parent. There was one time the children in his class were lined up to go outside. The teacher came along with a treat bag, she went down the line giving everyone a treat, when she got to my son she looked at him and said, you are a bad kid so you don’t one. She skipped pass Cayden and went on to the next child. He was heart broken, but his way to react was in anger and meanness. He took on the role of a bully because that was how he was labeled. When the teacher told him he was a bad child the other children heard this and that was how they saw him too. We eventually ended up pulling him from school and homeschooling. I never want to see another child have to go through what my son went through. I work as the Infant Development Consultant in our area, I work on bringing speakers and educators into our area to teach our Early childhood educators and Early years teachers about Trauma and Resilience in children and Inclusion in classrooms. This is my passion and goal, to see children succeed and be loved and included in classrooms:)
Oh Sharla! My heart breaks for you and your son. He was so fortunate to have you as his advocate, but I hate thinking about what he might have gone through at school. How do you go about supporting inclusion in classrooms? Which approaches have been the most well-received? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Questioning someone when they speak about “that” child, be their advocate!!Get people to think about how that child navigates through life, and to consider how that child is affected by his past experiences and how they use those experiences as reference in social situations. Consider equity not fairness. people needs different things and different levels of support to be successful. Just because someone is small doesnt mean they are not deserving of the same treatment.
I so agree, Mikala! A good question or well-phrased wonder might be a way to start. Maybe it can help change perspectives. I’d love to hear if others have ideas about what to try.
Aviva
Yes I agree that child is someone else’s child brother sister friend etc etc and also that child can help us learn and become better educators…
Oh yes! We can learn so much from kids each day. We just need to watch and listen to them.
Aviva
This is such a powerful message. As a mom of “That child” it’s really hard to see them being labeled and treated in a certain way because people don’t have the patience or the understanding. I will definitely be speaking up about in the future and advocating for those children and families.
Thanks Talita! I hope that if more of us speak up and reframe the behaviour, more kids will be seen differently. Imagine the impact …
Aviva
Thanks you for sharing this. I love the reframing and will be using this in my day to day language. In my experience many children have an understanding of ‘that’ child, but it is the other children’s parents who struggle
Thanks for your comment, Leanne! How do you think we can support a reframe in this for those that might find that more challenging?
Aviva
This resonates SO much for Me Aviva! I am an educational assistant working directly with “that child” in the classroom. This is exactly how I feel about these children. They deserve to have their needs met just like every other child. I also agree with Leanne, that it is the other childrens’ parents that struggle. Children are much more open and willing to accept differences and, with the right guidance, they will accept “that child” for who they are, just as they are.
Thanks for your comment, Line! I wonder if there might be a way to help support adults, if they are struggling with this. What might help them reframe THAT child’s behaviour?
Aviva
I work in an environment where all students are supported regardless of their additional needs. When anyone form our school community uses negative connotations towards students especially “That child” my response is the same: do we know the function of the behaviour? What have you tried to support our student (as we are in this together)? I also always point out the student/ child’s strength.
Thanks for sharing this, Cindy! I love your questions/wonders. How do you find that others respond to them? Does this help change perspectives? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I absolutely loved reading this, especially has someone who works with people who calls ‘that child’ that child. There is no such thing has “that child” has we all have a different past, different routine and sometimes some may be behind education and that is okay like you said. Everyone is loved and that’s all that should matter, safety and love is all a child could ask for. If she or he has that you don’t have to worry.
Thanks Emmy! I so agree with you. How can we help reframe “that child?” Any ideas?
Aviva
I loved reading this. It warmed my heart and body through every pore. Nothing breaks my heart more than when I hear a child labelled like this. We are all learning, we all have challenging days, we all have moments where we need different things, we need love, we need connection, we need kindness and understanding and when we get this we calm, we grow and we blossom. Thank you for writing this.
Thanks so much Kellie for your kind words. How might we help share this thinking with others too? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
Great read. It is 2023 we all should be able to take labels off children . I love the spin on the positive outlook .We all have challenging children. How most they feel when others talk about them as ‘THAT CHILD ‘ My heart goes out to them . Let’s make it a goal to remove all labels. WE need to show love and understanding. Teach others kindness. Just because they are different don’t make them less loveable. We are are different and need to navigate the world around us the best way we can.
Thanks Lesley! I absolutely agree with you. What are some different ways that you think we can show this love and understanding?
Aviva
I try to open my own children to this thinking when they bring up different students and events in their class. It has helped them to understand that every child is different and needs different things. They are only young, but they are able to accept who they are. Now they come home and talk about positives that have happened-praising their peers.
I just wish that all of us could be this accepting of our students and focus on the positives and achievements. For some students, these achievements would be very difficult to achieve.
Thanks for sharing, Jenny! How do you do this with your own children? Maybe sharing ideas will help even more people.
Aviva
I really do not believe in setting a different set of rules for a child with A.D.H.D or Autism. My son has A.D.H.D the school often placed him alone in the classroom, and wouldn’t he him when he tried to use his words. He was just seen as a bad child. I often got very angry with the school because i would talk to my son and he always told the truth my son told me he felt labeled. I truly believe there is no such thing as a bad child. so I talk with the school and gave them options. They finally heard us and gave our option a try and now my son does so much better, he is in grade 5 and he is 9yrs old. He still will be sluggish and takes time to do his work. But he does get it done.
Yvette, I’m glad that reaching out to the school helped. You’re making me think more about home/school connections. How do we nurture them and what are the benefits for kids?
Aviva
I pledge to build capability with my staff so that no child in our school
is labeled and not supported.
This is a wonderful pledge! How are you looking at doing this? I’d love to hear more of your plan.
Aviva
I don’t hate the labels necessarily, as some labels help define WHY expectations may be different for one and not for another. However, in our preschool class, we have made a habit of checking in on one another instead of waiting for an adult to dress everyone, resulting in many lovely interactions of helping one another with zippers, boots, or retrieving one of our wandering friends with a gentle hand.
Thanks for sharing, Aurora! I love kids supporting each other. I wonder if this also helps reduce educator stress. Thoughts?
Aviva
Oh Lord, this is my life. As a teacher of students with disability I am often fielding reactions to “that child”. These are little people who like every other little person want to learn, want to have friends, want to be liked, want to make you happy. I find that children are much quicker to understand that everyone is learning different things and needs different things. I find that supporting the parents of “that child” can make the biggest difference on how we can build trust that the strategies we trial are there to benefit not limit or exclude this little person, that though there are not magic wands our goal is to include and support and show that we care.
Thanks for sharing, Stacey! I wonder how we can better support this understanding and change impressions of kids. Thoughts?
Aviva
Every September most of our schools get involved in the commemoration of the Orange Day T-Shirt which is always accompanied by EVERY CHILD MATTERS. This is a message that we often take lightly. I think in a way it also refers to ‘that child’; ‘This child’. I wish we could take it more seriously to demonstrate what it means.
Thanks for your comment, Geoffrey! What do you think might help with this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Wow. I love this. It is so powerful and it so important to remember. I am sharing it with all of my ECE colleagues.
Thanks so much! I would love to hear their thoughts. I appreciate you sharing.
Aviva
My takeaway from this blog is a heartfelt call to shift how we view “that child”, it often a child who may show challenging behaviors or need extra support. Instead of responding with frustration or fear, we’re encouraged to approach with empathy and understanding. Rather than focusing on disruptions, we can recognize the meaningful lessons this child brings to the classroom. “That child” helps others learn patience, respect, empathy, and kindness. They remind us that every child is unique, deserving of LOVE❤️ and capable of teaching us valuable lessons about community, support, and inclusion.
The best way forward is to move away from labels and see each child as an individual with unique needs at different times, each contributing to the classroom in their own way. This reframing invites us, as educators and/or parents, to focus on the positive impact and learning opportunities that all children offer, reinforcing the value of a supportive and inclusive environment that benefits everyone.
THAT child also need HUG & LOVE !
Thanks Shirley for your comment and for summing up my post as you did. I’m thinking a lot about THAT child. How might we help others reframe THAT child? How do we also do this for ourselves? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
The concept of “THAT child” often comes with negative assumptions based on behaviors like aggression or differences such as ADHD or Autism. Instead of focusing on the challenges, we should shift our perspective to the positive qualities these children bring. They teach empathy, patience, respect, and the importance of inclusion and love. Every child, including “THAT child,” is doing their best and deserves support and understanding.
Thanks for your comment! I completely agree! How might we help shift this perspective of a bigger scale? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
This is such an important point that every educator must understand—there is no such thing as a “bad child.” When a child exhibits challenging behaviors, it’s not because they are bad, but because they need help. As Dr. Stuart said, we can lend them our calm, and by doing so, we create a supportive environment where they feel safe and understood. If we approach them with patience and guidance, we can truly make a difference in their growth and well-being.
Thanks for the comment, Kiran! I completely agree. How might we help even more people reframe this behaviour? Thoughts?
Aviva
“That child” – how two words can have such a hugely negative impact. I often hear children referred to that way before they have even begun or walked through the door, simply because they may have a diagnosis of some kind. I love the idea of reframing into all of the wonderful learning opportunities all children provide each other. Such a great reminder!
Thanks Belinda! It’s true how a diagnosis can lead to kids being viewed as “that child.” I would love to hear more about how you reframe this. What is the impact for kids?
Aviva
“That child” is a huge negative. This is a great read. Yes, we need to change how we teach to suit the child needs. In m school / kura where I work, we follow Te Aho Matua, one section Te Ira Tangata is about the person/people which covers all the needs of how we treat & be respectful towards our student and people. We have a great respect, love for all our student and treat them all equal. Move away from the negative, be positive for the child and their whanau (family). I enjoyed this reading this section.
Thanks for sharing about your experience Karen! This sounds like an amazing school. I would love to hear more about what this looks like in classroom spaces. Can you share any more about your experiences?
Aviva
a big challenge for \everyone!
Thanks for the comment, Olga! This can be a big challenge. What would you do? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Los niños merecen nuestra atención
Thanks Olga! Kids do deserve our attention. What are some ways that you give this attention to them?
Aviva
“Reframing that child” means shifting how we see a student who may often be labelled as difficult, disruptive, or defiant. Instead of focusing on the behaviour, we ask:
“What’s this child really experiencing?”
Using Self-Reg, kaiako learn to:
Recognize that challenging behaviour is often a stress response, not misbehaviour.
Look for hidden stressors across the five domains (biological, emotional, cognitive, social, prosocial).
See the child’s strengths, needs, and potential, not just their struggles.
Respond with empathy, curiosity, and support, rather than control or punishment.
Reframing helps build stronger relationships, safer classrooms, and a deeper understanding of every learner’s journey.
Thanks for the comment, Marata! You’re really highlighting the importance of reframing. What does this look like in your experiences? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
En mi práctica diaria estoy muy acostumbrado a escuchar comentarios como “ese niño” y exactamente coincide con que se refieren a un niño con alguna condición del neuródesarrollo. Sin embargo he podido ser testigo de como los mismo compañeros aprenden a incluir, entender y respetar a “Ese niño” que termina siendo uno de los mas queridos por el grupo He podido observar como niños son naturalmente empaticos y tienen mucha predisposición a la inclusión
Thanks for your comment, Jean! I love how you mentioned “inclusion” here and what other kids do. This is so important. Can you share more about what this looks like in your experience? I wonder if our sharing also helps with reframing “THAT” child.
Aviva
All educators must understand that there is no “bad child” Some children show their needs and interests in different ways. If they are not vocal. Some children might wave their hands to get attention.. some children might scream. All kids show inclusion to one another in their own special way. Taking their friend by the hand, guiding them, sharing their toys, playing together. These are just some examples of the way children show inclusion their own.
Thanks for your comment, Tracy! I love the ideas that you shared here. What are some ways that we might be able to change this perspective around a “bad child?” I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
Esto me resuena profundamente como terapeuta de NNA neurodivergentes, pues en muchas ocasiones escuchamos lo frustrante que es para las familias sentirse juzgados por otros, por las situaciones que puedan darse en la cotidianidad. Es importante trabajar en la autoestima familiar y la resiliencia colectiva, saber que el miedo por desconocimiento puede conllevar acciones que hieren los sentimientos de otros.
Thanks for your comment, Katherine! What a wonderful point here about families. This makes me think a lot about parent engagement and how we can connect with families. I would love to hear more about your experiences.
Aviva
Each child is not only a child who is part of a group, each child has likes, dislikes and is a unique individual with unique needs. We all have not so good days and this is how I try to approach children, with grace, love and acceptance so they feel safe and welcome, that they belong. Respecting their needs and providing an environment that meets their needs all of the child’s physical, cognitive, emotional and social needs, to encourage children to reach their full potential. See the child as a person who will change the world, our future.
I love this thinking, Julie! Do you find that approaching/seeing children in this way makes a difference for how others see them? If not, what might need to change for that to happen? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva