Historically, adult/child relationships were based on an imbalance of power. In the past 50 years we’ve begun to gradually move away from that, giving kids more rights, flexibility and say in their own lives. But we are still influenced by an ages-old self-control mindset that tells us we need to have power over kids.
This graphic, by educator Kristin Wiens, offers some fresh and wise thinking about power and the importance of finding positive ways to give kids “power” that is not a threat to us. This thinking is compatible with Self-Reg. When we support kids to understand and manage stress we are actually giving them a sort of power that will benefit them throughout their lives. Moreover, we adults feel the need to exert and preserve power most strongly when we are stressed. So learning to manage our own stress will reduce our perceived need for power. That will help us build better relationships and avoid energy-draining power struggles.
Learn more:
Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program
Breaking the Stress Cycle Course
See more fun graphics from Kristin Wiens here.
4 Comments
This is how I raised my children: I treated them as equals and gave them a voice in decision-making, which some relatives observed and said was a big mistake.
Thanks for sharing, Alfredo! What was the impact you saw of this choice? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I can certainly see that a change in parenting strategies has been evident over time, and like Alfredo my children were raised with a voice in decision making. I have also noticed the cultural difference in parenting and whether they focus on an interdependant or independent focus of control. Have the children been raised to thrive independently or have parents encouraged children to rely on them for support. Neither is in itself a concern, but when we work with stress behaviours in children, we need to understand how the parent’s approach sits with the child’s needs in relation to the staffing and environment we work within. It is often, for example, not beneficial in the longer term to try to focus on independent forms of stress release, if they have been brought up with the interdependent process of regaining homeostasis. Co-regulation is based on the parents as primary resources and trying to force children from this resource for the sake of independence will, in effect, just make the stress last longer, or be greater.
Thanks for sharing your thinking, Leone! Do you have a specific example or two that you’ve experienced that might help us further understand this thinking? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva