One aspect of daily parenting experience that some parents might see a little more of this fall is the post-school/daycare meltdown.
One day our son (9 at the time), burst in the door, hurled his backpack on the floor, threw himself down on the couch and let loose with an unprecedented bout of crying and swearing. Sure he swore and cried sometimes, but not like this. I can’t recall the specifics of the precipitating incident—some sort of perceived injustice at the hands of his teacher. But I do remember that meltdown, and it was definitely a stress response.
Let’s look at the stressors: prosocial and emotion stress from the injustice, and cognitive stress as he kept replaying this incident that didn’t make sense to him.
But the biggest stressor was biological. He’d been holding all that anger and frustration inside all day. So there was an incredible build up of tension. Prolonged self-control is expensive, right? And it all tumbled out in a beautiful mess when he got home.
Why? Because he felt safe enough to let go.
This brings up an interesting paradox about our concept of safe. We know that self-regulation starts with a holistic feeling of safety. Creating that sense of security helps kids feel regulated in ways that enable them to learn, engage socially, and, um, you know, behave.
But feeling safe with us also makes it easier for kids to express their anger and frustration in ways that… well, let’s just say ways that are not our favourite kind of child behaviour. The thing is kids do need to be able to feel bad, and act like they feel bad (and in need of co-regulation) in a safe environment. That’s part of emotional learning.
So rather than see an after school meltdown as an imposition, we should likely see it as a compliment, a sign that our kids feel safe enough with us to let it all hang out when negative feelings overwhelm them.
This year there will be extra tensions and stresses at school. So kids may come home with an extra load in the backpack more often—a load that might spill out onto parents and caregivers.
Reframing these episodes as signs that kids feel safe with us should make it easier to be empathetic and to connect with them, which is what kids need most when any sort of meltdown occurs.
4 Comments
Hi John, I always enjoy your writing! I’m especially grateful for this blog, the important way you reframe your son’s afterschool meltdown, and the valuable lesson about emotional learning contained within your story. The experience you write about is one I’ve consistently and repeatedly heard from parents I’ve worked with over the years. [I worked with families with children with autism and regulatory disorders.] Parents are baffled, perplexed, and frustrated at how they get reports from their child’s teacher(s) that he has done well in class all day, gotten along with peers, and paid attention, but as soon as parents pick them up from school, their child cascades into tantrums and/or meltdowns either in the car on the way home or as soon as they get home, just as you write with your son. It’s easy for parents to take it personally, and feel that their child is doing it wilfully to them. Helping parents to understand how much energy their child (already with regulatory challenges) has had to expended throughout the day to maintain their attention and regulation, even if things have gone well, and with energy reserves depleted at the end of the day, that it is a compliment to the sense of safety their child feels with them, that they are now safe to express all of the pent up tensions and normal stresses of the day. Parents are providing a safe container to feel.
I appreciate that your story includes the valuable lesson that emotional learning for kids involves having a safe environment where they can feel bad, express those bad feelings, and know that parents can comfortably hold the boundary for that to happen, soothing and acknowledging those feelings and ultimately modeling over time effective strategies to deal with them, as you so beautifully did. It’s a beautiful story of reframing challenging behaviors and creating safe boundaries, together with soothing, loving, and supportive connections. Your Blog is a welcome resource to share with parents! Thank You!
Thanks for your comment, Linda! I agree with you about John’s blogs and the learning that is in here. Have you had any reframing moments of your own? Anything that would be valuable for others to hear? I wonder if sharing some of our stories help.
Aviva
I am glad to read Linda’s write up and though in my head how many times parents has been telling me about it. Some of the parents explained that their child was an angel in the school as compared to home. while i have explained this relf-reg and self-control mechanism, generally parents nodded the head, but it did not feel that they understood the whole idea. It appeared they wanted a quick fix. However, there was no quick fix and strategies for self-reg worked. I always suggested to them that be with the child and help him to co-regulate gradually. Your being makes a difference. We are human beings not ‘Human doings’. I believe that this resonated in their minds and things got better.
Thanks for your comment, Sanjay! Do you think that some adult stress might be part of the reason that parents respond as they do? Thoughts?
Aviva