What if “difficult” isn’t who a child is — but simply what stress looks like in that moment? Dr. Stuart Shanker’s reflections on temperament invite us to see beyond labels and instead listen to what a child’s limbic system is “telling” us. When we view behaviour as communication, we shift from judgment to understanding, from control to connection. This is the heart of Self-Reg — helping both children and adults recognize and reduce stressors, so that everyone can find calm and thrive. There truly is no such thing as a bad kid — only children whose stress systems are working overtime, waiting for us to see and support them differently.
In the Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program, learners embark on a journey that deepens this understanding. They learn to ask new questions — not “What’s wrong with this child?” but “What’s happening for this child?” Through the science of stress and self-regulation, participants gain the insight and practical tools to transform their interactions with children, families, and colleagues.
The following reflection from one of our Self-Reg learners beautifully illustrates how this shift in perspective takes shape in real life: how compassion, curiosity, and calm can change everything when we see behaviour as stress behaviour — not misbehaviour.
Reflection on Reframing Temperament: “Difficult” vs. “Stressed”
Reflection by Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program Learner, Jacqueline, on Dr. Stuart Shanker’s Article Reframing Temperament: “Difficult” vs. “Stressed”
In my daily work I find this is a topic of conversation I have with families often. I am really grateful for the influence and guidance Self-Reg has had on my practice.
I often think about Susan and Stuart when they say its not a quick fix.
I work with a family who is under multiple stressors (poverty, mental health, emotional/mental relational abuse, developmental delays in both children). Last week while the children were sleeping the Mom, Grandma and I had a chance to talk and as the conversation evolved the stressors and reactions of emotions came crashing down for the Mom.
I stopped and moved closer to her and asked if I could put my hand on her knee. I got down to her level, placed my hand on her knee and in a very soft voice as I looked into her eyes I said, ” I see you and I hear you.” She needed in that moment to have someone put multiple drops of encouragement in her cup as her cup is beyond dry.
I talked with her about how important her job as a parent is and how would it feel to break down things into smaller steps for her.
This family is as I mentioned in a constant state of stress and the oldest child is what they describe as a holy terror. I have been working at helping her to break down what this means for her and what does she think he is telling her when he starts throwing toys, throwing a child table and hitting at them? We break down the ” what do you notice before the stress behaviour comes out?” Does he have anyone who can offer support? Are there safer options for him to express his frustration (pillows to lie on or throw)?
How can we see what he is trying to communicate with us? Would removing some toys so the environment is calmer? How do they play together? What do they enjoy doing together?
The child is showing markers for ASD and as I mentioned are multiple layers. When I try and support I broadcast for the child what I see and what is happening, I create furthering safe relationship for him.
I break it down in small steps for the family and him. Its a work progress and may take years to come to a place of seeing their child as stressed and how their stress impacts their calmness and that he is not difficult but stressed.
I copy and pasted this paragraph for the blog as I found it to be very fitting.
In other words, how we respond to an infant’s stress-behaviours is critical, not just in the formation of personality, but even that of temperament. So much more is involved here than simply being a “sensitive caregiver,” adjusting one’s parenting style to a baby’s individual differences. And here is where Self-Reg is vital. Parents need to recognize the signs of when their baby is over-stressed; figure out what the stressors are and how they can be reduced; discover what their baby finds soothing; and learn how to stay calm through all this themselves.
Read the full article by Dr. Stuart Shanker HERE
Taking the Next Step Together
If this reflection resonates with you — if you’ve ever paused to wonder what a child’s behaviour is really telling you, or wished for a way to respond with more calm, confidence, and compassion — the Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program is your next step. This learning journey will help you deepen your understanding of stress and self-regulation, equipping you with the tools to reframe “difficult” as “stressed,” and “misbehaviour” as communication. Join us in exploring why there truly is no such thing as a bad kid — and how, through Self-Reg, you can help every child (and yourself) find calm, connection, and the capacity to thrive.
