Seeds
Quilt
Haven
Blog written by Kirsten Binstock, Special Education Resource Teacher (SERT) and Reframing Bullying learner.
In my role as a Special Education Resource Teacher (SERT), I am working with a student whose behaviour was being viewed through a traditional “discipline” lens. He was often seen as the child who made “wrong choices” at recess such as taking shovels, reacting with outbursts when play didn’t go his way, and struggling to wait his turn.
My goal was to teach him skills that would help him navigate these situations.
Creating a Shared Language for Co-Regulation
To support him, I decided to work with the entire Kindergarten class. I introduced the language of “Teammate Moves” vs. “Surprise Moves.” By framing unexpected behaviors as “surprises” rather than “bad” or “mean” choices, we stripped away the moral judgment. We practiced “Hot Chocolate Breathing” not just as a tool for the student in question, but as a collective way for the whole class to manage the “energy” of the playground.
The 5 Look-Fors of a Self-Reg Haven in Action
The results were a powerful shift in the classroom climate, illustrating the 5 Look-Fors of a Self-Reg Haven:
Safe:
By using the term “Surprise Move,” the other students stopped reacting defensively or with anger when a shovel was taken. They recognized that their peer wasn’t being a “bully”; he was simply having a moment of dysregulation. This lowered the social threat for everyone, allowing the classroom to feel emotionally safe even when things went wrong.
Rooted:
Instead of the class excluding him for his outbursts, this new language gave them a way to keep him “rooted” in the group. They began to see him as a teammate who sometimes gets “surprised” by his big feelings, rather than a problem to be avoided. This maintained his sense of belonging when he was most at risk of losing it.
Balanced:
When the peers stopped spiking in response to his outbursts, they became co-regulators. By staying calm and using the shared language of “Hot Chocolate Breathing,” the students helped keep the collective energy of the playground balanced, preventing a single surprise move from escalating into a class-wide state of hyperarousal.
Capable:
We treated every student as capable of being a “Recess Detective.” By giving them the tools to navigate these moments, I wasn’t just managing one student’s behavior; I was empowering the whole class to see themselves as capable of empathy and problem-solving. We showed the student that we believed he was capable of being a teammate, even on the days his volcano felt big.
Trusted:
Most importantly, we built a foundation of trust. The student learned he could trust his peers not to “tattle” or judge him, and the peers learned to trust that a surprise move didn’t mean a friend was “bad.”
When Children Need Connection More Than Correction
I continue to realize that my work is not about correcting a student’s actions to fit a mold. Rather, it is about guiding students toward a deeper sense of empathy.
It is a reminder that when a child’s behavior is the most challenging to navigate, it is usually a signal that they are carrying the heaviest physiological and emotional stress. In those moments of dysregulation, they do not need more fixing, they need more connection.
Dive Deeper
- Drs Susan Hopkins & Stuart Shanker first published the 5 Look-Fors of a Self-Reg Haven in the Self-Reg Schools: A Handbook for Educators. Explore the Seeds, Sunrise, Quilt & Haven Self-Reg Journeys in this handbook. The Foundations Certificate Program and the Leadership for Self-Reg Schools Certificate Program are great places to start!
- Blog: No Such Thing as a Bad Kid by Stuart Shanker
- Blog: Making ‘Bad’ Choices? by Vicki Parnell