Blog by Alex Kronstein, a Self-Reg Foundations Certificate Program alumni.

Alex Kronstein is an autistic advocate in the neurodiversity movement who advocates against seclusion and restraint in schools and recently completed the Self-Reg Foundations program.

Self-Reg Across the Lifespan: Why Critical Adults Matter

One of the things I appreciated most in the Self-Reg Foundations program was the emphasis on Self-Reg across the lifespan. Too often, conversations about regulation focus only on children, but Self-Reg applies to everyone, regardless of age, ability, or stage of life.

Two quotes from Dr. Stuart Shanker especially stood out to me.

First:

“The well-being of children is inseparable from the well-being of all the critical adults in their lives.”

I can safely say that’s 100% accurate. If one or more critical adults in a child’s life are overwhelmed, dysregulated, burnt out, or stressed, children will pick up on it very quickly. Their stress levels rise too.

Second:

“All people are capable of self-regulation, no matter the age, stage or ability level.”

This is also 100% true. Unfortunately, there are still people who assume autistic individuals, especially those with higher support needs, are incapable of developing self-regulation skills or stress awareness. That mindset does real harm.

Reframing “Oppositional Behaviour” Through a Self-Reg Lens

One topic discussed in the course was the apparent rise in “oppositional behaviour” among children and youth. Personally, I think many of these behaviours are being misunderstood.

Some children labelled as oppositional may actually have a PDA profile. PDA, often understood as Pathological Demand Avoidance or Persistent Drive for Autonomy, involves an intense stress response to demands and perceived loss of autonomy. PDAers often experience significant stress across all five domains.

Some key characteristics include:

• resistance to being told what to do
• strong resistance to tasks perceived as undesirable
• punishments or consequences worsening behaviours
• a strong need to control choices, situations, or interactions
• heightened sensory sensitivities
• intense responses to criticism or exclusion
• rapid shifts in mood or stress levels
• struggles with everyday tasks such as hygiene or chores

Reducing stressors is absolutely essential in PDA, as is helping individuals build stress awareness and understand their own nervous system.

Supporting PDA Through Stress Awareness and Self-Reg

I also believe it’s important for parents, educators, and caregivers to learn approaches that reduce stress rather than escalate it. Some that stand out to me include:

• Low-Demand parenting, especially Amanda Diekman’s model
• Ross Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model
• Declarative language, as coined by Linda K. Murphy

Too often, what gets labelled as “defiance” is actually stress behaviour. That reframe matters.

Mindfulness, Stress Awareness, and Reframing Behaviour

Another topic that surprised me was mindfulness.

To be honest, I’ve often viewed mindfulness as a buzzword that has exploded over the years, especially as the wellness industry turned it into a multi-billion-dollar business. Some critics refer to this as “McMindfulness” — mindfulness stripped of context, depth, or social awareness and repackaged as a product.

However, I think The MEHRIT Centre’s approach has the potential to bring mindfulness back down to earth in a meaningful way.

One definition shared in the course, from Ellen Langer, really stayed with me:

“Mindfulness is the process of actively noticing new things. When you actively notice new things that puts you in the present. It makes you sensitive to context, and the act of noticing is experienced as engagement.”

That definition feels very different from the commercialized version of mindfulness we often see online.

To me, mindfulness is about recognizing the blinders we wear: assumptions, biases, expectations, and automatic interpretations that shape how we see people and behaviour.

Reframing behaviour is deeply connected to this kind of mindful noticing. When we reframe, we stop reacting automatically. We begin asking questions. We search for hidden stressors. We notice things we may have missed before.

That’s very different from simply trying to force calmness or compliance.

Self-Reg vs. Self-Control in Schools and Classrooms

Finally, the module on Self-Reg vs. self-control was very useful. Self-Reg focuses on identifying and reducing the causes of problems in mood, thinking, energy, and behaviour. It looks beneath the surface and asks: What stressors are driving this?

Self-control, on the other hand, often focuses only on managing behaviour after problems appear. The emphasis becomes suppressing reactions rather than understanding what is causing them.

Unfortunately, many schools still focus heavily on surface behaviour while ignoring hidden stressors underneath. In Nova Scotia, the new Provincial School Code of Conduct has already faced criticism from many disability and neurodiversity advocates who believe it may disproportionately harm neurodivergent students.

That concerns me deeply.

Creating a Self-Reg Haven

One idea from the course that I genuinely love is the concept of creating a Self-Reg Haven: an environment where stress is reduced, regulation is supported, and people feel psychologically safe rather than constantly pressured into compliance.

I’m actually working on creating one myself right now.

I’ll save that story for my next blog.

Learn More About Self-Reg Havens

If the idea of creating a Self-Reg Haven resonated with you, The MEHRIT Centre’s Self-Reg Havens 101: Professional Learning Series offers a practical introduction to building environments that reduce stressors and support regulation across the lifespan.

Drs Susan Hopkins & Stuart Shanker first published the 5 Look-Fors of a Self-Reg Haven in the Self-Reg Schools: A Handbook for Educators.

Explore the Seeds, Sunrise, Quilt & Haven Self-Reg Journeys in this handbook. The Foundations Certificate Program and the Leadership for Self-Reg Schools Certificate Program are great places to start!