By: Vicki Parnell
Lost papers…missed meetings…kids showing up at school without the right supplies…
I have been “that parent,” and I often wonder what our lives looked like to the educators who worked with my family!
I’m the mother of two young people with multiple “invisible” disabilities. In my consulting work I support parents of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). These experiences have given me insight into hidden stressors experienced by parents of “differently wired” children. These stressors can become a kind of “normal” for families like mine.
Putting Out Fires
Kids whose brains are wired differently often have very intense needs and behaviour. The normal work of parenting—getting everyone out the door in the morning, making sure homework is done, preparing healthy meals—becomes difficult and exhausting when your child is bringing an extra level of intensity to the daily routine.
Add to this the unique stress of being your child’s “case manager.” There’s researching, selecting, hiring and scheduling therapy, communicating with your child’s teacher and school, making sure siblings get special time and attention…
We all do our best, but it’s usually impossible to get everything done. Sometimes, parents prioritize whatever seems most urgent in the moment. We just hope we’ll have time to catch up later. This can lead to a feeling of constant crisis. There’s a sense of an ongoing source of stress overload that can affect parents’ mood, energy and tension levels.
Recognition and Awareness
There can be a big disconnect between what a clinician or educator recommends, and what parents are ready to agree to. This disconnect can be very stressful for parents, for a number of reasons.
Parents may have different and evolving levels of awareness about their child’s unique needs. Some parents may be quite aware that their child is not typically developing. These parents will pursue assessment and support proactively. However, others may not recognize that their child is different. I was like this myself at first. My children’s behaviours and characteristics came to seem “normal” to us. This doesn’t mean I was blind to their differences. My husband and I were both “quirky” kids, and we saw many of our own traits in our children. We didn’t recognize the need to seek professional support for our children until they were older and things got very hard at home.
All parents want their children to have every opportunity their peers have, and many parents of “differently wired” kids just want our children to be included, to be treated the same as their peers. Even after identifying their child’s differences and unique needs, and extra support is offered, a parent’s priority may be for as normal a life as possible for the child. Many parents worry about the potential stigma and reduced opportunities that may come with labelling a child, so they might avoid pursuing assessment or diagnosis.
Continue reading here →
You may also be interested in our Self-Reg Parenting Course – Start your learning today by Registering Here!
33 Comments
Thank you ☺️ for sharing. As educators we need to be reminded of the stressors our families endure and understand them rather than being judgemental.
I agree as educators at times we can be a little bit judgmental and we need to put ourselves in the shoes of the parents. Even though as all children are individuals that develop in their own pace it’s a little bit stressful when a parent begin to notice things in their child that they don’t see in other children.
Edem, this empathy piece can be so powerful! What are some different ways that we might not only do this, but communicate our support with parents? I’d love to hear more!
Aviva
I agree 100% Rhonda
This is great to hear, Suzanne! What really resonated with you.
Aviva
We,, my teacher partner and I, recently experienced a parent not wanting to pursue professional help for their child. All of these feelings that was talked about in the write up they were experiencing as a family. On top of all of that they were feeling, especially mom, that this was her fault, what did I do for my child to be autistic?
Through open dialogue and the trust that we have built over the two years with this family helped them to see what a final diagnosis would mean to the family and her son. She now understands that its not a label given to her son but a diagnosis that has opened up so many avenues of help to the family.
Hi Chris, I have also experienced the same issues when parents have children/ students who are wired differently. I totally understand the long journey we take walking along side some parents as they become aware we are here to support their child/ student regardless of a diagnosis and want to provide the best support.
Thanks Cindy for sharing! What are some ways that you help reduce this stress for parents? It would be great to hear different ideas.
Aviva
Quand je fais mes observations pour l’apprentissage ca me donne la chance de voir si environnement de ma classe rencontre les besoin de mes amis . J’essaie de diminuer le plus tout agent de stress . Ma relation que j’ai avec mes parents m’aide énomement avec les comportements difficile que je rencontre .
I find far to often Parents refuse to recognize that their child has a problem. I think deep down they know but won’t allow help such as therapy, or to allow their child to be assessed. I think it’s one of two reasons, 1 being they believe that people are labeling their child and don’t see him or her as a normal active child. Even though the parent is stressed a lot over the child’s behavior, they choose not to believe that something can be wrong with their child. 2 they feel guilty in some way even though it’s not their fault.
Thanks for your comment, Yvette! I’m wondering more about the impact that stress might have on these feelings. What do you think? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
As a parent of a Neuro Spicy child, friend of several Neuro-diverse families, and educator of many undiagnosed children, I have seen a range of reasons people do or do not seek diagnosis. Sometimes the medical professionals fail to hear parents’ reports of challenging behaviors with their children. Sometimes parents do not report their challenges for fear of external interventions that will break apart their family. Sometimes they are hyper aware of being judged themselves, and just want to give their children some sense of being ‘okay’ enough, that they will take on more responsibility to try to limit external stressors by homeschooling, or taking extra ‘home’ days. No matter what they are doing (or not doing) in order to cope, being seen, heard and understood is all many of them are looking for. Isn’t that a big part of what self-reg is all about? Take another look. Try another angle. Maybe I am pushing for something that doesn’t need to be pushed in this exact moment. Choose your battles, and acknowledge the child’s presence, and the family’s need for support. Simple as that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts based on your experiences, Aurora! What are some different things you think we could do to help support adults during this process?
Aviva
Families are in flight mode so often we need to remember as educators to not fuel the the fire with our expectations. But to come to the table with an understanding to goals for the family
Excellent point, Lesley! What are some different ways we could do this? What might this actually look like? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I love this analogy ” try not to fuel the fire””
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! What about this analogy really resonates with you? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I like your comment.. ” not to fuel the fire”
It really does say alot.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! I would love to hear what about this analogy really resonates with you.
Aviva
I am an educator and ‘that parent’ who had a child (wired differently-ASD diagnosis) go through the school system many years ago. At that time there was limited support for families, however I do remember trying to enrol my son into a program after school (after school care) and as soon as I disclosed, he had sensory issues and ASD the doors closed. We had no family support, and this created another level of stress on our family. I was fortunate enough to have very supportive teachers who worked with, through open lines of communication, which reduced our stress levels, especially throughout the high school years. I am mindful when working with parents within my school environment that not all parents are going to accept their child is wired differently and that is ok, as I can walk alongside them, providing what is needed for their child/ student to reach their full potential, achieve individual goals and experience success.
Thanks Cindy for sharing about your experience! Have you ever used your personal experience as a way to help connect with parents? Has this made a difference? What are some ways that you help support parents and reduce their stress? It would be wonderful to hear different ideas.
Aviva
I agree with this
Thanks Divya! Can you tell me more? What have been some of your experiences?
Aviva
Parents of differently wired children—those with neurodivergent traits or invisible disabilities—often face intense, ongoing stress that can feel like a constant crisis. Everyday tasks like getting out the door, managing school communication, or preparing meals become more complex due to their child’s unique needs.
Key stressors include:
Managing therapies and appointments, often acting as the child’s case manager.
Navigating misunderstandings with educators or clinicians.
Balancing family life, ensuring siblings also feel supported.
Feeling judged or unseen, especially when their child’s challenges aren’t immediately visible.
Parents may also struggle with recognition and acceptance, especially early on, when their child’s behaviours seem “normal” within the family. Even after diagnosis, many parents prioritize inclusion and a sense of normalcy over labels or interventions.
This reflection highlights the importance of empathy, awareness, and support—not just for the child, but for the whole family navigating a complex and often misunderstood journey.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Marata! I would love to hear more about the support that you’ve seen in place and/or that you think would be valuable. Do you have any other ideas to share? Thanks for adding to the conversation!
Aviva
As Educators, sometimes we are quick to judge. We need to stand back, take a good look at the situation, bring our thoughts forward to the parents, and listen to the parents at the same level of understanding. I always say respect goes both ways.
I love this thinking, Tracy! How might you support other educators in seeing this point of view as well? Thoughts? I wonder if our actions at times might also be a stress response. Curious to hear what you think.
Aviva
As Educators, we see can see some signs that some children may need right away. Unfortunately the parents wont see the signs right away a fast as we do. Keeping in mind, we are only trying to do whats best for your children. At first, some of the parents are in denial ” just give them time, they will pick it up fast” In some cases they do. But there are a lot of resources provided to help your children at a young age, so that they have less struggle later in life. Not just for the children but for the whole family.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! Why do you think as educators we see things faster than parents? Is this always true? How do we know that we’re correct? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
This whole topic is heartbreaking. All parents dream of a happy healthy child. I find that when parents start to recognize that their child is “unique” they can go through a grieving period. With support, a diagnosis and a plan things can get better. There will be ups and downs. They need support, kindness, a listening ear.
Thanks for your comment, Ingrid! I wonder if we almost need to reframe uniqueness and if that changes things for kids and for families. What do you think?
Aviva
Hi Aviva
I really don’t know. I think that depending on the challenges a family is facing some could. We should try.
Thanks Ingrid! I wonder what a discussion like this might sound like with parents and the value of having it. I guess it would also start with strong connections with families as this relationship piece is key too. Thoughts?
Aviva