By Danka Gula, a Self-Reg Learning Facilitator’s Alumni
“As we go through life, we can begin to create our personal representations, personal association, places where we can go to in our mind that will create that calming” – Stuart Shanker
It has been many years since I left the place where I lived with my parents for 22 years. Since then, I have created my own home, with my husband and two delightful children – far away from my childhood place, where I left a piece of my heart forever.
I get to visit my “birthplace” only once every two years, so it can be understandable that I hold on to those precious childhood memories tightly. After the first several hours of heartwarming welcome from my parents, when I am finally able to slow my heart rate and breathing, I feel…safe. It is that “feeling of safe” that as a child I was always looking for when I was worried; that “feeling of safe” that I received with a cuddle when I was sick.
The time usually goes fast when I am there, meeting with cousins, nephews, aunts and old neighbours, exploring the city that has changed quite a bit since the time I was hopping through its streets holding my parents’ hands. However, I always make sure I find a moment to be alone. I want to soak in the atmosphere of the place that taught me, all those many years ago, what calm means: I remember playing for hours with my two dearest dolls under my small desk which I was able to turn into a cute little apartment that any Barbie would envy today. I remember sitting at that same desk rolling clay between my palms until I was satisfied with my unique clay jewelry. I also remember laying across a comfy chocolate-brown sofa the way only children (and puppies) can do, staring at one of several paintings on the wall in our living room – letting my imagination go wild and far. (“Does that moon in the painting really speak to me?”) Those many years ago I did not know what a gift my parents were giving me. Today, because of Shanker Self-Reg, I am certain it was one of the biggest gifts I received. My parents gave me the gift of time, space and understanding to allow me to find what I needed the most – the ways to restore. There were many storms in my heart and soul as I went through those first 22 years of my life, but I always found a way to “protect myself” and get stronger by restoring energy lost in a battle with life events.
Those life events continue to happen as I live my adult life on the other side of the ocean. I have found new ways – strategies to restore my lost energy, to rejuvenate after my hard “adult” work. One of them is to simply close my eyes, imagine THAT PLACE and create THAT CALMING wherever I am.
Shanker Self-Reg made me realize that I, too, have one big gift to give to my children. The gift of time, space and understanding so that they, too, can discover their own ways to be calm and restore their energy, simply because it FEELS GOOD.
25 Comments
Reminding ourselves that we too are human and have had struggles along the way. We have learnt strategies to provide our own calm and having an higher awareness of what those strategies are for ourself, will help us in moments of arousal and remind us of how to get back to calm. Then we can show up that way for our students.
Thanks Kim! I love this thinking. Do you have any examples to share? I would love to hear more. I wonder if sharing our experiences also helps others. What do you think?
Aviva
A smell, a place, a quiet memory; this came up for me as a connection to the article as the few times I have been able to return “home” the feeling of peace, “calm” and grounding are present in a way now as an adult, I never understood nor was I able to appreciate as a child. It really was a gift and something I draw from in my role.
This is great to hear, Dawn-Marie! You are making me think about how often I do the same.
Aviva
A cherished memory came up while reading this today.
A rainy day, Taking my child size chair out on the back stairs of my family home and tying my clear umbrella to the chair with my skipping rope.
The calm I felt out there on my own, with a book ,listening to the rain hit the umbrella is a calm I retreat back to often.
Thanks for sharing! What a beautiful story. It’s wonderful when these memories can bring us calm.
Aviva
Today I can honestly say that my life is calm than it ever was. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and now live with a calm mind and body. My students help the child in me to heal. They have no idea they help me in so many ways, especially to be calm with them. Ekosi.
Thanks for sharing, Amanda! I would love to hear more. How do the students help you? I wonder if your story would benefit others too.
Aviva
Thank you for this. I enjoy reading it.. I find for myself. The biggest way to check in is to make sure my shoulders are not tight up around my ears which they can get to. I’ve made it a habit be aware of when I’m holding a kind of stress or tension in my body and take a deep breath and focus on physically relaxing my body.
I love that you do this! I wonder if this also allows you to slow down and focus in a bit on the stress in an effort to reduce it.
Aviva
This story took me back to a cherished memory, my calm space. I hope that my children can say the same about me one day. “I gave them the gift of space to allow them to find what they need to restore their lost energy.”
I love hearing about how this took you back to your calm space! It sounds like you’re really trying to focus on Self-Reg with your children too.
Aviva
This article helped me to understand myself a little more. I left home young, 14 yrs old. In the north we have to leave home early for higher education. I left for grade 9-12. I did graduate and I continued to live away as I started my own life and family. I miss my birthplace so much more now that I am in my forties. I visit as often as I can. The place I feel calm is near my mom. She worked close to our home, and I spent hours with her at her workplace. Lots of playing under tables and in her office space. It was a little craft store. But being near my mom while she worked away and I played quietly near. That is my place and it didn’t frame it as my calm until now.
Thanks for sharing! I love how this post helped you realize what place made you feel calm. What impact might this knowledge have on you? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I learned about other version of feeling safe. Staying calm and giving time, space to help them to stay calm or learn/discover their own ways to stay calm.
Thanks for sharing! Can you share more of your learning around these topics?
Aviva
This article was so relatable for me specially the part of leaving hometown and reflecting on the positive parenting i have received as a child. Most important thing I understood from this article is that helping to self-regulate is not about telling children to calm down. It is about giving them time, space and understand their feelings. Those small everyday practices may shape how they handle stress in their life.
Thanks for sharing, Nikita! What do you notice when you give this time and space? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
AS a mother to a 7-year-old son, I know what and how it really means when I understand my son, give him time and space in situations of stress behavior.
Hi Sara! Thanks for sharing about your experience. What do you notice when you give your son this time and space? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Thank you for sharing this story! I can really relate as a creative person—my art, painting, crocheting, and even writing poems helped me stay calm. When I was a child, after losing my father early, I also made an imaginary friend and created my own little world, which felt like a safe space just for me.
My biggest takeaway from this article is that giving children time, space, and understanding is a real gift. It’s not about telling them to calm down, but helping them discover what makes them feel safe and calm. I also realized how important it is to know my own calming strategies. When I understand what helps me restore my energy, I can better support the children around me. Small moments of safety can have a lifelong impact.
Thanks for sharing your takeaways. How are some ways that you have given children this time and space to feel calm? I wonder if it’s also valuable for others to share what they have done.
Aviva
I work with horses and they are such a mirror of my emotional state. I think I am all calm and relaxed when they show me signs that I am not. This really forces me to step back and empty my backpack that’s full of todays junk and leave it at the door. Once this is done, then we can be calm together, keep each other safe and happy. I feel the same way working with students, I have to ask myself what’s in the backpack and how is it going to effect the way I am in class.
Thanks for sharing, Lisa! This really speaks to the adult impact on Self-Reg. We need to be calm first. What impact do you see on your students when this happens?
Aviva