When I was 21, my buddy Tom and I had this half-baked, youthfully idealistic notion that a lot of the world’s problems and conflicts could be solved if people would just be more playful and have more fun. As I grew older and took on more responsibilities, I gradually (grudgingly) accepted the fact that life and the world’s problems were more complicated than I had thought back then.
Recently though, I’ve realized that Tom and I were not so far off the mark. That’s partly because the Self-Reg lens has shown me that fun can be an important recovery mechanism. I’ve also recently gotten to know and bond with some Syrian newcomer kids, an experience that gave me a great lesson in the role of fun in children’s self-regulation and relationships.
Why Fun Should Not Be on the Backburner
This might seem self-evident, but I sometimes feel that fun has to be defended. Fun is often portrayed as something you do when more important things like work, learning, and responsibilities are done. But I think fun is one of the major keys to child well-being. I see a fundamental connection between fun and the deeply embodied feeling of physiological and psychological safety that Stephen Porges talks about. The relationship is bidirectional. Not only does fun help kids feel safe, having fun is a sign that kids feel safe.
Building Connections Through Play
Last winter my wife and I were asked to join a support group for a newcomer family from Syria, one of many such groups across the country. This family had five (now six) kids under the age of 12. The relationship I have developed with these kids has been one of the nicest things to happen to me in quite some time. And that relationship was originally built mainly on having fun.
The very first thing we did together was play. When we initially met, the family spoke almost no English, so at our first get-together I was nervous and uncertain of how to proceed on a social level. But that social domain stress soon became a positive stress because it was easier to connect than I expected in spite of the language barrier and cultural differences. And that was largely because these charming children were so ready to have fun.
I’ve always loved playing with little kids. So when one the girls pulled out a deck of Uno cards, I jumped right in. I’m leery of competition with young kids – when I play a game like Uno I always de-emphasize the competitive aspect by being a bit of a clown. I laugh when things don’t go my way. If I have to pick up four cards, I pretend to be upset, in a silly way that makes kids laugh and relaxes them. And I make it clear that I don’t care if I win or not.
The fun we had that day helped us feel comfortable together. The next time I came over, one of the girls ran for the Uno cards, held the deck up beside her face, waggled it, and gave me this utterly enchanting smile that said, “Let’s have some fun!”
I went on to teach the kids to play Go Fish and other games, and the kids taught me some of their own games too. That’s how we bonded. Now when I come over, the first thing they want to do is play with me. Recently I figured out an adapted version of Scrabble to play with the eldest girl. Even the little ones enjoy putting the letters in order (all the A’s, then all the B’s etc.) or finding the letters that spell people’s names.
Safety with Regulation
I got another insight the day I drove the family to a doctor’s office for immunizations. That’s a situation where any kid might feel unsafe, let alone a child in an unfamiliar environment. Once again, fun came to the rescue. The kids naturally looked for ways to amuse themselves in the waiting room: they found a puzzle and we worked on it together, and we looked at pictures in magazines. As a result, those kids went in for their needles regulated in various domains. They felt good inside (biological). They were happy because they’d been having fun (emotion). They had positive thoughts in their heads (cognitive). And they were with people – their father and I – (social) that they felt safe with (prosocial). The nurse also did a great job of helping the kids feel safe. So when they had to summon up some self-control to be brave for the needles, they were best equipped to do so, and did amazingly well.
Importance of Fun, For Adults Too
I’ve always bristled at the idea that “play is children’s work.” That’s way too serious for me. Yes, kids learn through play (engagement in play has clearly helped my young Syrian friends learn a ton of English). But the fun of play is good for kids, and good for their self-regulation. Having fun results in the release of endorphins and other brain chemicals that boost physiological and emotional self-regulation. In other words, play is a primary recovery and restoration mechanism for children, one they understand intuitively and have a fair bit of control over. And as my experience with my young Syrian friends reminded me, it helps build relationships. A person you can have fun with is a safe person. Fun helps you bond, and, the bond helps you feel safe. It’s a lovely, non-vicious circle.
Fun is very Self-Reg.
35 Comments
C’est tellement un beau témoignage . J’y crois tellement que le jeux est promordial dans la vie des enfants et aussi dans celui des adultes .
I agree totally that’s children learn through play and having fun make them bond and feel safe.
Thanks Edem! Do you have any specific examples to share about this? I’d love to hear more!
Aviva
Children and Adults definately need to have fun through play to help build positive
relationships with each other and helps them distress .
Thanks Melodie! What are some ways that help you have fun when playing with children? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I’ve always believed that fun is a very important part of life. I always make time for play with my son at home or when I see him at school as I’m passing his class with my students. Even if it is a happy or funny wave. A quick kiss and I pick him up and twirl him, while hugging him. Even with my students, they to need a play break from school work. So if I see them getting tired or not really paying attention anymore. I will get them up and we have a dance or a fast game of Simon say’s any sort of play to get them more focused and I believe it helps them with their learning because of movement and laughter. Even as an Adult I still act silly, I also think that your as old as you allow yourself to be. And I think that the students enjoy me as part of their day because I play. You can say I just refuse to grow up and loose that child in me. I enjoy life and all of its, gifts. Mostly the ability to be still be able to play. It teaches us in many different ways.
Thanks for sharing, Yvette! How do you find that your students respond to this? Have any been dysregulated byt the games or dances, and if so, what has helped make this better? It sounds like you’re really trying to connect with your kids. I would love to hear more about how it’s going.
Aviva
My best moments with children have always been encased in having fun. My mum was a very spontaneous parent, always finding a way around my rigid over-serious side. I remember thinking at 5 I was more of an adult than she was, but now that I am in my 40’s, I think of her wisdom in trying to get me to care a little less about making things perfect. It’s tricky to strike the right balance, sometimes.
Thanks for sharing, Aurora! What have you tried to help you with this balance? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Love this story of fun. We should learn that having fun is very important for all of us.
Thanks
Thanks for the comment, France! What are some ways that you see fun supporting Self-Reg? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I think adults get so hung up on what others think or what has to be done next. They for get to have fun.
It is seen as silly and a time waister . So wrong.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I wonder if stressors for adults could come into play when it comes to fun. What do you think?
Aviva
I agree, fun is so important for everyone around us and ourselves. We learn so much more while we’re actually enjoying education or having less stress.
Thanks for the comment, Emmy! I wonder what different impacts fun might have on Self-Reg. Thoughts?
Aviva
Play is therapeutic for all ages. Play engages and it is relaxing. Play can get you moving and connecting with all ages. Playing makes you smile and be present. Working with children allows you look at life from a different lens. Never stop playing!!
I love this thinking around play. I wonder about play possibilities in different grades. What does this look like? What impact does this have on Self-Reg? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
The importance of fun is so beneficial in shifting a child/ student’s mindset from feeling unsafe and disconnected to feeling safe enough to take risks through engaging in social interactions, especially during play with peers. Unfamiliar adults and peers can create uncertainty for some children/ students which can create a barrier to their level of participation. I have used jokes or sabotaged myself within a game or play to make a positive a connection and build rapport with children/ peers in the hope to shift their mindset towards positive thoughts and a sense of security. Working in a primary school environment Prep -Year 6 we have games both within the classrooms and playgrounds to encourage students to build self-esteem, try something new and not always rely on the same peers for their social interactions. We have a mindful HIVE session every day where any students can go and have a quiet game with peers (of varied ages) or build their individual social skills with the support of the staff on duty. We have several students who are required to attend as they need extra support in self-regulation and scaffolding from adults in ways to cope when things don’t go the way they are expecting.
Thanks Cindy for sharing about your experiences! How is this program going for these students? What impact have you noticed on Self-Reg? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I really believe that children will feel a little more comfortable with you if you played some games and laughed a lot with them.
Thanks for sharing, Emily! Can you share some of your experiences with this? I wonder if they might inspire others.
Aviva
I believe in the same thing. If we play board games and do puzzles with children. It really helps the brain grow. Cognitive and memory growth, only to mention a few. Then you will see, as an adult they will still enjoy playing them, I know I do.
Have a great day.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! I wonder if these games can sometimes be cognitive stressors for some kids. What do you think? How might we support this if they are? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I agree. Remodeling and interacting. The children love to learn and play.
They definitely do, Tracy! What do some of these interactions look like for you? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
love this story
Thanks for the comment! What really resonated with you in here? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
FUN.. Life should be all about having fun. Sometimes we all get hooked on work situations, where you end up taking work thoughts home with you.
This passed week, I have learned from my little people in my room, that it is ok to just have fun. We all went outside and made a snowman. At 52 years old, that was the most fun I have had in years. Mind you, I have fun everyday, but this was deep down to the sole FUN.
After the weather we just had, our snowman ended up melting. So, we pretended to have snow inside. SHREDDED PAPER…lol The kids had so much fun.. laughing, giggling.. the sensory play was like magic.. im sure we will be sweeping up shredded paper all the way to the New Year.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! I love this story of fun. Did any kids find it dysregulating? I would love to hear more. I wonder if the sensory component made a difference.
Aviva
I agree 100% that children learn through play. But their brain needs to rest so that is why sleeping is so important as well. So they can regenerate for the afternoons funfilled activities.
Oh yes, Tracy! Rest is also so important. How do we support students and families with seeing the benefits of sleep and ensuring that kids get enough sleep? Thoughts?
Aviva
What a beautiful story.
I find when my grandson has had a day that is just too much for him being outside is usually the answer. We play a game of follow the leader. He packs a picnic, chooses a blanket, gets out our bikes and one of us is the leader to the mystery spot. Usually I am the one trying to guess were the picnic will be. There are many turns and miss directions on our route. By the time we arrive at The Spot my grandson is again a happy regulated little boy (he is five). This is not much fun for grandma in the winter.
I do similar things with children in the center. If they come in upset a change of direction, a game, music, their choice of activity works wonders. They often have fun making up a game with silly rules.
Thanks for sharing what you do! It’s great to hear different ideas. What impact do you see these choices having on kids? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I believe that the children love to have a little control. I find hat when they are making up rules they often consider what their friends likes or dislikes are. The social skills being developed are amazing to watch. AND they are having fun.
Thanks for sharing! I can definitely see this as well. I wonder about some social stressors though. What do you think and how might we respond?
Aviva