Originally posted September 2021
It was the end of the school day, and kids were slowly starting to get cleaned up and organized for home. That’s when I turned around and I noticed one of our SK students over at the pile of watercolour paints. He was pouring blue water on top of each puck of paint. This was creating a huge flood in the bin of paint pucks. Why?
I wish that I could tell you that I calmly went over to figure out why he was doing this. I didn’t. No doubt about it: this flood in the midst of clean up time, with the knowledge that I had to leave school at a reasonable time and cleaning up this mess was not going to help with this, made me feel very dysregulated. In retrospect …
- I should have went to my teaching partner, Paula, and asked if she could investigate.
- I should have taken a deep breath first and considered how I wanted to respond.
- Maybe I should have even walked away.
I did none of these things. Instead I went up to him and said, “What’s happening? Why are you doing this? You know better.” And that’s when he melted. He threw down his set of paint pucks. He went over to his desk space, hid underneath it, and started to rip up every one of the pictures that he made at school. Every single one. Oh no!
This made me realize, I exacerbated this problem. There was stress behaviour at play, and even though I’ve read about Self-Reg, taken the Foundations 1 course, blog on The MEHRIT Centre Blog regularly, and have listened to numerous recordings of Stuart Shanker and Susan Hopkins discussing this very topic, I missed the mark. Now what?
I gave him a chance to just be. I brought over the garbage can, and started to help clean up the desk space. I invited him to help me. Understandably, considering the stressors at play, he ignored me. I then noticed some garbage on the floor and some markers. I asked him which one he could clean up. He pointed to the markers, so I took the garbage and left. He did pick up the markers, and then went back to flipping through a book at his desk. Could this be Self-Reg in action?
He seemed better when he left, and asked me for help with his backpack, but I still don’t know what triggered him. Paula and I discussed possibilities.
- Could it be my prep time in the middle of the day, which coincided with Paula’s lunch, so we were both out of the classroom?
- Did he need a sensory option, and could I have supported this in another way?
- After a full day, with a long block in the classroom, was he tired? Frustrated? Could I have helped break things up for him with another option?
- Was he looking for some adult attention/support? Could I have given it to him in another way?
- Did the dysregulating nature of clean-up time increase his stress? Is there a way to make this time less stressful for him?
I don’t know what the answer is, or if I missed the problem altogether. I do know that this is all that I could think about as I washed those paint pucks on Friday after school. Now to look more closely on Monday and try to figure things out. This was a good reminder for me that as much as we might know about Self-Reg, we can all make mistakes. Have you? Here’s to catching myself next week before I make another one.
Aviva
For more on how mistakes can happen when practicing Self-Reg, read Aviva’s blog here
41 Comments
It’s a typical example, could happen to any of our students.
As an EA, we observe students’ communication, behaviours, emotions, and academic performance, get to know their abilities, strengths, skills, triggers, preferences, home team, and build relationship with students. That’s the fundamental info for us to make support plans and customize strategies.
We don’t always have all the answers when students have meltdowns or tantrums.
In this case, we don’t know
• the precedent ( hard to catch without 1-on-1 support)
• the boy’s facial expressions or words when he was pouring blue water. Laughing – a game for him, funny? Or looked upset/mad/frustrated, something was bothering him? Did he say anything or make any sound (nonverbal)? That could give us some clues on his thoughts at that moment.
• the possible triggers we noticed before. He doesn’t like messy, wet things, specific colours, or tired/sick, difficulty with transitions or some tasks or asking for help.
• what would happen if a gentle gesture showed to the boy that I noticed, I care, I’m here to listen and help if you need.
When we see their signs of dysregulation, the best strategy is to intervene before the meltdowns/ tantrums. Self-reg / co-reg will help them through the big emotions.
The bright side is, they can learn the coping skills during the process and will do better next time. And when we know them more, we can do better to support them as well.
Thanks Julia for your comment and sharing such wonderful questions and considerations. Do you have any of your own stories to share? How did co-regulation and/or Self-Reg make a difference? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
As an education assistant, I know some times it happens a student may not be in a good mood and the reason is not clear. Maybe, even the child himself/herself is not aware of his incorrect behavior and doesn’t know why he/she is doing this, but in that moment for him, it is a way to calm down.
If I were in this situation, I would act in a way to ignore what has happened, and pretend that it happened accidentally. I would say don’t worry, it may happen to all of us.
I liked the way it involves the child to choose a way to clean up (picking up the markers or the garbage). This way, the child will forget about his/her previous bad feeling and will participate in the act of cleaning.
Thanks Sara for sharing what you would do! Has something like this happened to you before, and if so, did this approach work for the child? I’d love to hear more. I do think that sometimes saying and doing less is valuable, especially if the child is stressed, as then he/she/they are not in a space to really respond calmly to the problem. What do you think?
Aviva
As an EA, I was in a similar situation. My partner and I explored every scenario as to what the childs triggers were. We came up with a few suggestions but sadly we couldn’t do anything more with the situation. It would b good to get more insight on how to handle situations like this in the future.
Thanks for sharing, Tannis! I love how you and your partner considered possible triggers related to this situation. While you couldn’t do anything more about this specific situation, did your reflections on the triggers impact on your responses in other situations? If so, how? I would love to hear more about your experiences.
Aviva
Thank you for sharing this post it reminds us that we are human.
I know that behavior is a form of communication and it is my job to try and understand what need is being communicated. But as a human, I not always self regulated ,especially when there are stressors present.
I have found in the situations that I’ve had that it is important to admit to the student that I was not regulated and could have done better.
I will often try to regulate myself very openly ( deep breathing, kind words to myself) to model how it is done.
Students need to know we are not perfect and it helps repair and rebuild a trusting relationship.
Thanks Deborah! I love how you model for students through your own choices how to self-regulate. Do you find that this supports them? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
Thank you for this important reminder, all behaviour is communication and that our approach to that child’s dysregulation/stressors is super important. Without self regulation you can make matters worse. It is important to be cognizant of your own emotions and energy when approaching the child.
Thanks Kim! I completely agree that we need to be more cognizant of our emotions. What are some ways that we can do this? Does this again come down to Self-Reg? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
This is a great reminder that we must definitely “check” ourselves first and then understand that the child/student is communicating, we just really need to “listen” and try and determine how our interactions can shape the outcomes and situtation.
Thanks Dawn-Marie! I love how you mentioned checking ourselves first. In busy and stressful classrooms, how do we always do this? Are there strategies that work well for you? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
With the given situation, I would’ve probably done the same- ask to clean the mess up. After thinking and visualizing the child the idea of giving a one minute prompt popped up in my mind. Could this help? I wish to try.
Thanks for your comment! This is a great wonder. My thought would be that every child might be a little bit different. I wonder if it comes down to knowing the child to also knowing if this kind of prompt would increase stress versus decrease it. What do you think?
Aviva
I absolutely love this and have huge respect for the teacher that was able to be brave and vulnerable to share this experience as it is a human one. Such an important reminder to regulate ourselves first before attempting to co regulate and help support a student. Our students are sometimes like riddles and it takes being a good detective to sometimes uncover what is at the root of why they became dysregulated.
This is a vivid example, and make me think back my working condition. It is true we should calm down ourselves first and know students’ triggers well, so it will help us serve students more effectively.
Thanks Lisa! I’m wondering about the different ways we do calm ourselves. What works well for you?
Aviva
I think this is a good example of how our behaviour influences our students behaviour. The way she approached this situation escalated his behaviour.
I agree, Ashley! I definitely did escalate this behavior. I wonder how we might be able to use the times that we make mistakes to help us in future times. What do you think?
Aviva
I worked with a student from Kindergarten up until Grade 2. My student taught me a lot of patience and how to self-regulate, however, I am still working on that. I was able to sense his meltdowns before they started. I would take the child out of the classroom for a walk and try to keep his mind on something else. As an educational assistant, self-regulation is critical in helping our students we work with, no matter where and what the situation may be.
Thanks for your comment, Amanda! It’s great to hear about the impact that your relationship with the child had on Self-Reg and on their success. I love how you mentioned that you are still working on this. I think so many of us are. I wonder how other educators in the building could also offer support, at times, for you and for the child. Any thoughts?
Aviva
thanks for this story
Thanks for the comment, Sonia! Was there something that really resonated with you here?
Aviva
Thanks for sharing, we’ve all been there.
Thanks Lori! What made things better when something similar happened to you? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
I totlally agree, we need to realise that we need to be regulated to help with coregulation and if we arent asking coworkers to be our Strategy through brainstorming and problem solving.
Thanks Suzanne! I wonder how we could support adult adults and educators in not only understanding this, but utilizing the things that calm them to also regulate themselves. What do you think?
Aviva
All comments are so valuable. It is nice to hear from many EAs.
I agree that all comments are valuable. Different perspectives are always so important.
Aviva
I use to teach self-reg programming to students grade JK-12 and learned so much about myself and others in doing so. I feel this has made me a better human being in both my work and personal life, however it is good to know that sometimes we are all human and don’t always catch those moments.
Thanks Natalie! The Foundations Course taught me that we are all human. I try to think about Self-Reg before I respond to kids, but I make mistakes. Maybe we need soft eyes for adults as well as for kids. Thoughts?
Aviva
I love that after the human moment that we all have many examples of Im sure , she asked great questions. I liked the article to remind me that I need to be asking questions through self talk before I react.
Thanks fir sharing your thinking, Amber! I would love to hear more when you give this a try. Does it make a difference?
Aviva
Its important to regulate ourselves first before attempting to help support a student. We need to be grounded & reframe from over reacting, always keep a calm voice & redirecting is key
This is such a great point! What are some ways that help you self-regulate? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
it is difficult to know when the student will change his or her environemnt or emotions, but is this case i will ignore the situation and pretend was an accident
Thanks for sharing, Magali! If the behaviour still escalates with ignoring, what might you try next?
Recently, I was speaking to an educator who supports my school, and she said, “We now talk about ‘giving space’ instead of ‘planned ignoring.’” This shift made me stop and think. Do we need kids to see this as “space” too? Thoughts?
Aviva
This story made me think about how hard it is to stay calm in stressful moments. Sometimes we react quickly, especially when we feel rushed or tired. I liked how she reflected on what happened instead of blaming the student. It shows that behaviour often comes from stress, not “bad choices.” Giving him space and a small job to do seemed to help. It’s a good reminder that we are all still learning, even as adults.
Thanks for your comment, Kavya! I think it’s really hard for adults to acknowledge our own stress. Are there ways that you have done so? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
As someone who is just starting out on this learning journey its a big relief to read that others find some situations difficult to figure out. I can be quite critical of myself and it’s good to know that it’s ok to not have all the answers!
Thanks Lisa! I think it’s absolutely okay. Even with my growing understanding of Self-Reg and how often I think about it, I still make mistakes on a daily basis. I try to remember these mistakes the next time though and do better. Hope this helps! We often tell students that they learn from “making mistakes.” Should we not be giving ourselves the same grace?
Aviva