“Can you cut my pancakes for me mom?”
“No Siena, you need to cut your own pancakes.”
Then came the 9-year-old version of a protest: that slumped over, big sigh drama moment about the unfairness of my response.
In a perfectly non-Self-Reg parenting moment I responded, “You are more than capable of cutting your own pancakes SIENA, you’ve been cutting them since you were three years old. Next time we come to a restaurant, don’t order them if this is what’s going to happen.”
Who was that? Sigh.
I had gone red brain. I was in a limbic state, one that I hadn’t noticed until that moment and certainly not one I was happy about experiencing. Thank heavens I was able to hit the pause button, to experience that much needed moment of reflection. I looked inwards and connected with what was going on in my brain. I reframed what had happened and my emotional reaction. That’s Step 1 of Shanker Self-Reg®.
How did this look? Firstly, I did some stress detective work: “Why” and “Why now” was I experiencing stress behaviour? I knew it was some combination of many stressors, including several that had nothing at all to do with pancakes.
I was very hungry; actually, I felt ravenous.
I was in the middle of carting my daughter around running errands.
I was worrying about all the “to dos” I had before leaving on a work trip the next morning.
I was tired and hadn’t slept well the night before.
I had a lot of work to do and was eager to get back to it.
I was feeling a bit anxious overall, thanks, in part, to all of the above.
So, what was it about the fairly mundane and not totally unreasonable pancake cutting request that set me off into the world of limbic utterances?
Siena knew how to cut the pancakes. I had seen her do this many times.
I felt disappointed that she didn’t do this independently.
Something about her dramatic response set me off.
The mixture of guilt and frustration the drama evoked was energy expensive.
We were in a public restaurant.
Red brain moments don’t bring out our best parenting. But we are human and we are going to have these because we have limbic systems and finite energy resources.
A few moments passed as I thought this. Turning towards Siena, I was also able to reframe her behaviour.
I saw a different child than I had seen only moments before. Her asking for help was not laziness, nor misbehavior. She was wound up too. Some gentle encouragement and she managed just fine, she just needed a small amount of co-regulating.
Learning to cut her own pancakes wasn’t just the mechanics of using the knife and fork, something she had acquired years ago. There was never going to be one magical moment when she would demonstrate complete “readiness” or “success” at any one thing. Each day and each task had its own contexts and learning curve. Her abilities, like my own, could shift based on her surroundings and feelings at that moment in time.
What mattered then was how I responded now that I had become stress aware. That’s Step 4 of Shanker Self-Reg®. I found my calm, and in the words of educational pyschologist Corinne Catalano, I “lent” it to Siena. Within a few minutes the pancakes were cut, syrup was poured and we were back to enjoying our family brunch. Siena was feeling better, but equally as important, so was I.
44 Comments
Learning all the different colours of brain and affects it has on our lives is helping myself and hopefully the students i work with
Thanks for sharing, Kristin! How does this help you? I would love to hear more!
Aviva
As a mother, I know these types of scenarios well. Here, I believe the child is asking her mom to cut the pancakes for her to have her mother’s attention towards her.
If it happens to me, I will share the act of cutting and will say I cut half, you cut the other half. This way, I am making my child participated in the act of cutting which keep’s the child’s independency. Simultaneously, I am telling my child that I pay attention to his/her words, he/she is heard, specially when we are having a family time together in a restaurant.
Thanks for your comment, Sara, and sharing what you would do. How do you anticipate that your child would respond? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Learning about the different colours of the brain gives me a clearer view of what i have to expect and understand the student i have to work with
This is so great to hear, Kathleen! Can you expand on this a bit? What do you see as the impact?
Aviva
What struck me the most about the article is the part where the mom acknowledged what was going on in her brain and reframed what had happened and how she reacted.
This part is important to further breakdown and investigate different stressors and how one should respond to different situations.
I agree, Quennie! Is this something that you find yourself doing? Or would this article make you start to consider doing this now? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
For myself, I am learning to stop and think about the scenarios that arise on a daily basis, as every scenario is different on the daily. I realize I don’t have all the answers, but it is a learning process for both the person involved and myself. More information that I can learn and read about in this Self-Reg course is what I need to help better myself to work with such bright individuals.
Thanks for sharing, Tan! The Foundations 1 course definitely taught me about how much of a “learning process” it is. What are some changes that you’ve found yourself making based on this new learning? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
I found this very relatable. Stopping to recognize the stressors and reframe the behaviour is a daily occurrence and yet we are always learning how to do it better.
I enjoyed how we were walked through the process used, asking the questions, identifying the stressors and reframing.
Thanks for sharing, Deborah! Have you had a situation where you’ve worked through this process as well? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
What I learned from this article is that we have to have some self accountability in moments of dysregulation when in response to dysregulation.
Seeing and being able to know when your red brain has been activated for many setting reasons is part of the self awareness and accountability that makes our reframing possible.
Thanks for the comment, Kim! I love this way of looking at things. I wonder how we become more accountable. Thoughts?
Aviva
I appreciate the article as it points out that our brains can activate different emotions for a variety of reasons and that it can happen quickly without our awareness of why, thus hoping to glean a better understanding of the “why” can assist in guiding us to finding what we can do to regulate ourselves and enhance a broader self reflection.
Dawn-Marie, I love your comment on the “why.” How do we become more attuned to this? Any thoughts?
Aviva
I have experienced exactly this with my own children. I think the biggest take away for me was that the Mom was able to stop and recognize that her red brain was taking over and then able to reframe the behaviour. Knowing our own signs of when our bodies are beginning to experience stress behaviour is critical so that we are able to slow down and proceed more thoughtfully.
Thanks Karen! I absolutely agree with you. How do we become more attuned to our stress? Thoughts?
Aviva
I can relate as a mom of three and a grandmother of three. I used to be that mom, when I was much younger of course. I did not have the patience to deal with the little things such as the cutting of pancakes. I was a young mom and was very stressed out with life itself. As I look back now, I realize I should have made time, to do this, to do that, to say this, to say that. My children are all grown up now and have families of their own. I miss my babies and the all the memorable moments that we should have had.
Thanks for sharing so openly here, Rhonda. While we can’t go back and change what we did then, I wonder about what we might be able to do now. Thoughts?
Aviva
I myself have gotten myself in bundle, because of being over whelmed. But I don’t let my child know by saying things like I have far to much to do. But I do try and tell my child to try and do his needed things on his own, this is how we learn and if you are feeling over whelmed you can talk to me and we can work at things together.
Thanks for sharing, Yvette! How does your child respond to this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I am extremely grateful for this course. For years, my mind was very dysregulated due to trauma. Today I can say my mind is at ease and I am learning everyday to have more of that self-regulation in any situation. I take accountability in every action, past and present. I struggled with my parenting skills and I knew I needed help because I, too, would go off on my children about why they couldn’t do the things I knew they could do. I did not know any of this self-regulation back when my kids were small. I now have the understanding of children’s stress behaviours and the knowledge of how to calm my “red brain moments”. Again, I am thankful for this self-reg course.
Thanks for your comment, Amanda! This is so great to hear. We love when people share their stories and how the courses make a difference for them.
Aviva
Thanks for sharing. Very relatable, no one responds well when overwhelmed.
Thanks Lori! I agree. How might we reduce our stress?
Aviva
I can relate to the moms experience in this senerio. I have found it helpful to ask myself, why and why now. Is the child under stress that I may not be aware of?
Thanks for sharing, Heather! I love that you ask yourself these questions. Can you share how doing so has changed your response? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
This article allows me to reflect on the time when I was raising my children. Mom’s life is very overwhelming and this kind of request would’ve stress me out because my child wanted me to cut the pancakes. However, the mom was able to think rationally and ,by cutting the pancakes , avoided negative reactions from both her daughter and herself. She recognized that her daughter was in the new surroundings ,experienced different emotions and mom’s simple help made family branch went smoothly.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! You made me realize how many parents might also connect with this example. I wonder if this connection also helps us reflect on our own actions and different things that we might try. What do you think?
Aviva
At times parents do so much for their children and children accept that they would do it and when they don’t the behavior’s start to shape into incredible life lessons. Then again the child could be seeking out for attention.
Thanks for your comment! I wonder if we could reframe “attention seeking.” Could this be a stressor at play? I would be curious to hear what you and others think about this.
Aviva
As a parent, I very much related to this scenario. More times than not, its not about the “pancakes”. I think it is a gift to ourselves, our children, and those we support, when we learn the ability to pause, almost step outside of the situation, and view all pieces from above, and then come back and reframe what the “pancakes” are representing. Demonstrating self-regulation here. Loved reading this one!
Thanks for sharing, Lacey! Can you share any of your own similar experiences? How did you remember to take the time to pause? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
this article allows me to reflect on my thinking
Thanks for your comment! What are some of your reflections. I would love to hear more.
Aviva
After reading this, I feel it is really important to pause before responding when I feel triggered. I will remind myself to do so. I honor my feelings, knowing that this pause comes with self-acknowledgment
Thanks for sharing, Sarmin! I would love to hear how this pausing goes. What do you think the impact will be?
Aviva
This article helped me to understand that behavior is a form of communication. So, it is important to pause, think and calm down before responding to challenging behavior and think about the actual reason behind the behavior. I also learned that sometimes positive reinforcement works better than punishment and by practicing self-regulation skills we can improve our way of reacting or responding to a situation.
Thanks for sharing your learning, Nikita! Do you have any times that this has worked in practice? I always love hearing about practical applications of theory.
Aviva
This story made me realize that adults also have “red brain” moments. Sometimes it’s not really about the pancakes it’s about being tired, hungry, stressed, or overwhelmed. I like how she stopped, reflected, and thought about why she reacted that way. It shows that self-reg starts with being aware of our own stress first. When she calmed herself, she was able to help her daughter calmly too. It’s a good reminder that we all make mistakes, but we can pause and reset.
Thanks for your comment, Kavya! I really like how you thought more about the adult stress here. Have you ever had any similar experiences? I wonder if it helps for others to also share their stories.
Aviva
This is a reminder to me to take the time and really consider:
the way I am about to react – tone in my voice, body language, facial expression
what kind of questions do I ask to find out what and why this behaviour is happening
how can I empower this person to do it on their own
Thanks for your comment, Lisa! You have summed up well so many different things to consider. I would love to hear what happens as you make these choices. How do students respond?
Aviva