I am currently enrolled in a Teacher Leadership course through our Board. This is the second face-to-face course that I’ve taken, and in both cases, I’ve struggled with the same thing: those initial social interactions. If I know you, I’m very social, but I struggle when getting started in unstructured social situations. We never have assigned seating in these courses, so the first big decision is always where to sit. What a big decision this is!
These fellow educators are professionals. They are not likely to say, “You can’t sit there,” but I have run across many “saved seats” over the years. Then there are people that know colleagues that are there, or enrolled with friends, or want to connect with others in similar positions. Does a high school teacher want to sit near a Kindergarten teacher? Will we have things to talk about?
I was lucky on the first night of this course. I happened to know another participant, so I went and joined his table. In the last course I took through the Board, everyone seemed to stay at the same table during each session. Imagine my surprise then when a few people moved to a different group on night number two. I tried not to take it personally, but I wondered, did I do something to make them leave? Gosh, I hope not!
Today then was session number three. Being a Saturday session, I was actually able to get there early. I’m a creature of habit, who, like my students, love the comfort of routine. Sticking with my routine, I went to sit in the same seat. None of the other usual table members had arrived yet, so I did a little work while I was waiting for them. Then one person came, and another person came, and they all went to sit somewhere else. I was alone!
I was now faced with this conundrum: Should I stay sitting, and see if others join my group, or should I move and try to join another group? What would I say to these other table partners? Would they welcome me? I waited. I tried to focus on some school work. And in my head, I planned what I might say when I got up and moved. Thankfully I planned slowly, and those two educators that moved away from our table group in the second session, came to ask if they could sit with me today. Yes! I breathed a deep sigh of relief!
I also quickly realized what this must be like for our Kindergarten students that are just learning how to enter play. I felt like that three-year-old that needed to approach that daunting task of asking, “Can I play too?” I’m reflecting back on this experience in our classroom from a few weeks ago.
I was kind of like that child looking over the sofa. As adults, we have way more experiences asking to “join in,” but we’ve also been met with way more responses of, “No you cannot,” or “I’m waiting for someone else.” Social stressors are real, and they are not just realities for kids.
I think about the one rule that we’ve tried to enforce in our classroom: when a child asks, “Can I play?,” the answer is always, “Yes.” If there is a problem, we’ll be there to support the students as they work through it, but we want kids to see the value in extending their peer group, welcoming different children into play, and alleviating the social stressor that comes from the answer of, “No.” Sometimes I wish that this same rule was in effect for adults. Thankfully, the many other times that I needed to seek out a partner during my course and ask to “play,” I was greeted with affirmative head nods and answers of, “Sure!,” but I still felt the stress of asking. I still wondered, How will I respond if somebody says, “no”?
Sometimes I question, is there an easier way? Don’t we all want to know that, “Yes, we can play too?” I may be able to talk myself through these challenges, take the additional deep breaths, and eventually find a table group that welcomes me, but my stress is certainly real. Even leaders and wannabe leaders can wonder, will we all be welcomed with open arms, and how might we respond if we’re not?
28 Comments
Hi Aviva,
I can certainly relate to your article. While I might appear so social in gatherings where I know people but when I don’t know anyone I cannot socialise and many times just sit on my own.
However, I think that is why one is so aware of these feelings and can truly help young children in similar situations who find it difficult to join new groups. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your comment, Rhonda! This empathy piece is so important, in my opinion. Now to also support young children — and even adults — when they’re in this kind of experience. What can we do?
Aviva
This article reminded me that I just talked to a new mom this morning. Her daughter is nine months old. It was the second time the little girl came to the EarlyON. She basically stays home except to go shopping with her mom. And she could not understand why her daughter saw new people and cried. Because she was scared or she just wanted her mother. I gave the mother an example, think about your first day to go to a new job. New environment, new boss, new colleagues. Do you feel nervous? The mom understands more about her baby. Babies can not express themself yet. Crying is their language,”I’m not ready to play with this person yet, even though my mom talked to her.”
Thanks Vivian for sharing this story! I never really thought about a baby perspective before, but this makes sense. How might we reduce the stress for a child of this age? Curious to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
We had a new student who joined us around December 2023, just about a week or so before the Christmas break. I had met her at the office and she was very easy to talk to, she had a bubbly personality with me she seemed out going. I thought she would have no problem with the other children. I took her to the class and introduced to the other students, the children said hi to her but she didn’t respond. I showed her, her seat. She sat down and was like a different person. It was like she didn’t know how to act around other children. It was to be in door recess, because it was far to cold to play outside, the children all went to the carpet and started to play, but she didn’t she just sat in her chair. I decided to join the children on the the floor and started to play along with them, I ask her to come and join us she didn’t move until the other children called on her. She was very quiet almost like a different person. So I suggested to the other students since this is her first day lets let her pick a game. This seem to work, and in no time she became the little lady I met in the office. I was happy to see her fit in and enjoy getting to know the other students. After the Christmas holidays were over she had returned all the children were happy to see each other including her. But once again she didn’t respond. It was like she didn’t have children to play with at home and didn’t know how to respond to other children.. We the class and I got her involved in table activities and in no time she was back to the playful out going child I met. Today she is very involved with the other children and she hasn’t shut down in anyway. She is now one of the first students to ask a new child if they would like to join in play time. She seems to understand how they feel and helps them find their happy place.
Thanks so much for sharing this story, Yvette! What really stuck out to me is how you recognized this change in her, began to question why (even if you didn’t necessarily articulate this), and looked for ways to reduce her stress. It sounds like this made a big difference. I wonder if your story reminds all of us about the importance of asking, “why” and “why now?” What do you think?
Aviva
I relate to this very much as I am an open book, but when it comes to new surroundings their always a fear of being rejected. We find it silly as we are grown ups but when it comes to children we see it as a more natural situations. And why is that? That can be from multiple things that happened in one childhood or as simple as being embarrassed. Were always gonna be put up to challenges… it’s the what or how can i move forward that helps us stay calm and confront.
Emmy, thanks so much for sharing about your experiences! Knowing that this is also how we feel, how can we use our experiences to help kids? How do we support them in working through these challenges? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
The article remined me of the professional development days I have attended where there are consecutive days. I am the person who will sit in other table groups as I want to experience as much networking and information gathering from varied educators.
My core business (Head of Inclusion) is to support students to engage in social interactions with their peers and this can be both challenging and exciting for students. Repeated exposure and multiple opportunities for students to take risks (might feel uncomfortable at first) with a supportive adult guiding their attempts builds their confidence to keep trying. When I observe the students implementing the strategies, I have modelled and the language I scripted and scaffolded for them to engage, and they are running around with a variety of students during play breaks I know the students have some tools in their toolkit for the next challenge.
Thanks for sharing how you support students with this! Do any students still struggle? What are some different ways that you support them? I would love to hear more!
Aviva
I think entering play is very stressful for children . One, most children do not grasp the concept of sharing until late in preschool life or later JK . When they are introduced very young with taking turns with parent it seams to come easier. Child who are socialized earlier tend to be able to cope with the social stressors easier. The poor little guys just do not know how to react to others when playing .Need a lot of help walking them through a situation over and over. The challenge is when you have a very verbal child and a child that is not as verbal or experienced. Being there to support is key. I myself do not like to enter a group of unknows at first . I like to observe and see where I might fit in.
Thanks Lesley for sharing this story! It’s interesting how our own experiences might also mimic what we see in kids. What are some different ways that we can support kids in entering play? I’d love to hear more of your thoughts!
Aviva
Group settings are difficult for many adults and kids. At times a feel we do not know if we will be included or accepted by others in groups of people that they already know. We are afraid to get turned down and feel like outcasts as this has happened to most of is before.
It is not easy until you feel comfortable and welcomed by other people around .
Thanks for your comment, Melodie! I think that you’ve definitely highlighted some of the stressors at play. How might we feel more comfortable in these settings? How can we work through the stress? I would love to hear your ideas.
Aviva
I agree, I feel everyone should be accepted and treated the same way, no favoritism in anyway.
No one should feel afraid to communicate at any social gathering.
Communicate, build trust, professional relationships, Document.
I love this thinking, Tracy. I wonder about how often this happens. How do we make everyone feel comfortable? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
I am a pretty social person and boy do I love to talk but the thought of not being the first to arrive stresses me out. I never want to be that person asking if I can sit which always surprises people when I share that. People always say I wish I had your confidence with public speaking or the nature of controlling 16 preschoolers when in fact I’m just as stressed as that person that wishes for my confidence. I am so glad that I show the confidence even though I’m screaming inside.
Kim, we definitely have a lot in common. Maybe this is why I always arrive early at meetings or courses. Then I can avoid asking if I can join a table. I wonder if others feel the same.
Aviva
I am the same in this area. I always want to be first in arriving to a social gathering. I am so shy if I have to be the last one there.. I feel, all eyes are on me if I am the last one to arrive at a social gathering.
Thanks for sharing, Tracy! While I do tend to be the first one to arrive, I also find small talk to be super stressful. In this case, I’m the one responsible for all of it. I think I might enjoy kind of showing up in the middle. What about you?
Aviva
I am never the first to arrive. You can often scan a room to find someone you already know. Find a spot that allows comfortable viewing of any screens being used. I usually just sit down and introduce myself and see what happens. Probably others there are doing the same thing. I have become more comfortable with this approch as I age.
Chidren in school settings look for children they are comfortable with. Adults can help a new child come in by introducing them and waiting to see what happens, It is always a little different in each situation.
Thanks Ingrid! I’m wondering more about those kids and adults that feel uncomfortable with introducing themselves. How might we support with this? Curious to hear any approaches that you or others have used.
Aviva
I think children should never be forced to share, to invite someone in, or to say sorry. These are social constructs that seem ‘good’ at the surface, but can become so unhealthy in certain situations.
For context, I have worked with adult victims of addiction and abuse for years. Some of these people are so sweet and so gentle, you would never know what they suffered at the hands of people in power over them. Getting away from toxic people and situations requires getting comfortable with saying ‘no’. If we try to create a culture where children are forced to say ‘yes’ to any request asked of them, I wonder what dangerous people they may welcome into their circles in the future, simply because saying no was never an option for them.
In a more immediate context, some toddlers mistake hard contact play for being appropriate, and creating a forced ‘yes’ culture may mean that a child who has been hit or pushed or bit feels that they must also include that same child who hurt them, because it is expected of them. I choose to honor a child’s ‘no’, and explain to the other child that they made their friend upset, but maybe they can help make it better somehow.
Thanks Aurora for your comment and for sharing your experience! Given the examples you shared, I can understand your thinking. I wonder if there might be room for both options. Would a school setting, especially for young learners, be different than some other settings? For students who struggle socially, could repeatedly hearing “no,” contribute to more stress for them? Thoughts? I would love to hear more of your thinking.
Aviva
One day there was a child that was new to our room. He was dropped off with mom. First time for both of them. Mom talked with us for a bit, not putting her child down. All the other kids came right up to the and wanted to play right away. But still mom didnt want to put him down just yet. After a few minutes, mom said ” is it ok if I put him down to go play” we said oh yes, when ever you are ready” Again they both stayed and played.
Mom wanted to see how he was going to play with the other children. All in all, he did great.
But mom stayed for a little longer, then left the room, lingering in the hall for a bit more. Then went on to work.
Later in the day she called to see how he was doing… my point is, that it is very hard and emotion on both the child and the parents. I always say, slow and steady wins the race. With good communication.
Thanks for sharing Tracy! I agree. This makes me think a lot about the connection between Self-Reg and relationships. You built a strong one with this mom, which I think might also make a difference here. What do you think?
Aviva
between Self-Reg and relationships. You built a strong one with this mom, which I think might also make a difference here.
Thanks for sharing, Zahra! I’d love to hear more of your thinking around this. Have you had any similar experiences?
Aviva