Controlled crying, graduated extinction, Ferberization, cry-it-out.
These are some of the names given to methods designed to “teach” babies to sleep through the night. I have done a lot of pondering, writing and research on this topic, including academic research. I am a co-author of two peer-reviewed journal articles based on a study of parents’ experiences of night waking and sleep training, led by Dr. Lynn Loutzenhiser (Psychology, University of Regina). I’ve interviewed dozens of parents about their struggles.
Oh yeah. And I have personal experience too – nine years or so of interrupted nights. None of our three boys slept through the night regularly until they were over three. That was a long time ago.
Why am I bringing it up now? A few weeks ago, yet another study was published claiming to prove that sleep training methods that include leaving babies alone to cry are not harmful in the long term. The CBC’s headline read, “Letting babies cry themselves to sleep not damaging, study finds.” News coverage like this always re-ignites debate between pro and anti sleep training pundits.
Reframing Sleep Training
I am not a fan of sleep training. But whether or not it is harmful or not is not what I want to talk about here. I want to look at my own experience of night waking and sleep training through the lens of Self-Reg. Because I think the parents’ experience is too often ignored in discussion this issue. Parents tend to be seen as either the cause or the solution to the baby’s problem.
My view is that night waking is primarily a parent problem. I don’t mean parents are doing something wrong. I mean that parent stress around night waking is the problem. Infant sleep specialists have traditionally regarded night waking as a baby sleep behaviour problem. The baby’s problem needs to be fixed because it can lead to long-term sleep disruption and behaviour problems in kids and postpartum depression in mothers, they say.
I’m not saying there is no such thing as a bona fide baby sleep “problem” or disorder. But I think it’s more useful to look at most night waking as a parent problem. I offer up my family’s experience as a case study.
My wife and I were total wipeouts in the sleeping through the night department. We tried sleep training, partly out of desperation and partly because (back then) we thought that maybe the sleep experts were right. Sleep training felt awful. But it appeared to work at one point. Then our son, a classic “”high needs” baby (easily upset/aroused, hard to soothe), started waking again. That was devastating.
Let’s look at the stressors my wife and were experiencing apart from the obvious one – interrupted nights.
1. The worry that something was wrong with our son.
Experts were saying that babies “should” be able to sleep through the night by age six months. Our 11- month-old was waking 3 or 4 times, and often seemed to be crying hard before he was even awake.
It’s now well documented that night waking after six months of age, and relapses in sleeping through the night, are normal. We didn’t know that at the time.
2. Self-doubt because we couldn’t control something we were “supposed” to be able to control.
Sleep experts maintained their techniques worked if parents were persistent. Ergo, we were inept.
3. Inner conflict.
Other expert voices were (rightly) saying it’s important to respond promptly and consistently to infants’ distress. Sleep experts tended to downplay or sidestep this question. But it’s not irrelevant. Our baby’s distress was very real. Not responding felt wrong. We felt terrible and mean for what we were doing to him.
4. “Helpful” advice from people who believed that sleeping through the night was a normal, expected early milestone.
My mother-in-law, a lovely person who was always very helpful and supportive of our parenting, would tell us about people whose grandchildren were sleeping through the night. She meant to give us hope. But, given my “kindled” (as Dr. Stuart Shanker would say) alarm system, those encouragements were like little darts to my heart.
I was burning a lot of energy dealing with those stressors!
Our night waking experience remained highly stressful until we finally found a way to eliminate our parent stressors. That’s not how we thought about it back then. We just knew that we couldn’t do sleep training. It didn’t fit with our beliefs and instincts. We just couldn’t/wouldn’t let our kids cry. So we let go of the idea of “training” our kids to sleep through the night, stopped listening (mostly) to conservative sleep experts and decided to live with night waking.
That took away more than half our stress! The interrupted nights remained. But now we were following our convictions, supporting each other to get enough rest, and not second-guessing each other about when and when not to go in to comfort our toddler. That left us with enough energy to cope until night waking gradually petered out on its own.
Is that approach right for all parents? That’s not for me to say. But my conviction that night waking can be regarded as a parent problem is validated by data from the study I worked on with Lynn Loutzenhiser. We found that mothers’ perceptions as to whether or not night waking was a “problem” were primarily dependent on how the mother was doing. Generally, the moms felt their babies were OK. But mothers who felt negatively impacted by night waking (read: stressed) tended to label it a “problem.” In contrast, moms who felt they were getting enough rest and could function well during the day tended to not label night waking as a “problem.”
Bottom line: If infant sleep advice-givers spent less time telling parents there was something wrong with their babies and more time focusing on and relieving parent stress, it would be a lot easier for parents of nightwakers to sort out what they need to do and what they feel they can do about night waking.
29 Comments
So important !! Lack of sleep for anyone really affects and effects our emotional state. I like how this article pays attention to the difference self regulation brings
I agree!
Thank you both for sharing! I’d love to hear more. What an important topic of discussion!
Aviva
I feel, that as parents, my husband and I fit into this story quite well. We never went with sleep training as it went against everything that we believed in. Having a very colicky baby for months, only to discover that she was allergic to the formula made us feel so inadequate as parents. So, I am glad that we never went with sleep training as we knew she was trying to tell us that something was wrong, why is this baby not sleeping, not settling during the day for naps. The stress of not knowing and taking so long to get the answers we needed was more stressful than the interrupted sleep we experienced during the night.
Le sommeil chez les amis est tellement important. Chaque ami qui arrive au centre éducatif nous nous informons de comment c’est passé le soir avant et son levé ainsi que si il a eu un bel arrivé au Centre et tout dépendant nous nous ajustons et voyons a ses besoins
A good night sleep is very important at any age. Sleep helps the mind and body n many different ways. It is very normal for a baby around six months to sleep through the night. I use to get up all the time if my son was sleeping and check on him, because I would be worried if I didn’t hear him cry. It took sometime for me to let it be , because even though I knew he was having a great sleep’ I was always worried. I learnt to control my feelings, Because I knew he was good and that I needed to sleep as well. Because his well being also depended on my well being.
I love this example, Yvette! What an important reminder about the connection between adults and kids. I wonder about what else might make a big difference for us!
Aviva
I agree, sleep is a must for anyone… parents or children. We need sleep to function. Some say to let them cry but there comes a certain point where the baby needs us. Even at 6 months or 2 years, kids know their bodies and have same feelings as us parents do. All we can do to help is comfort them. Sleep training is hard for everyone but it’ll come. Mom and dad need sleep! And time to relax this way you’ll be more relaxed and the baby will sense that it’s time to sleep.
Thanks for sharing, Emmy! Thinking about Self-Reg, I’m wondering a couple of things:
1. If parents are getting less sleep, will they feel dysregulated? Will this then impact on the baby?
2. Knowing that crying is a stress response, does sleep training just increase stress? Thoughts?
I know that these are kind of conflicting thoughts, but I’m curious to hear what you and others think.
Aviva
With our son, not sleeping was actually indicative of a hernia that took three trips to the emergency department and two surgeries to resolve. Trusting our instincts as parents is so difficult these days, since there are so many opinions to sift through, weigh, and in the end finding what works takes time and testing, and an openness to listening to your heart.
Thanks for sharing! I’m so glad that your son is okay. I think that your comment really speaks to knowing our kids: whether they are our own or those in our care. What do you think?
Aviva
So many parent come to the center and have this very experience. We do your best to let them know they are no alone. Give them idea’s and encouragement. That one day it will happen
Thanks for sharing, Lesley! What are some ideas that you share? How do parents seem to respond? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
I could relate to the story from Stuart around night waking for both babies and parents. We had two sons both non sleepers. We too resigned ourselves to the fact that they were waking and needing something whether due to noises or feeling uncomfortable for whatever the reason. We ensured (no matter how tired we were) we were available to soothe them and attend to their needs. We too listened to medical experts who insisted our sons will not develop at the normal rate if they had limited sleep. Years past by and still both boys were non sleepers. Our oldest son started sleeping once he had a full-time job (aged 18years). The youngest is still a non sleeper.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Cindy! What impact does the lack of sleep seem to have on Self-Reg? Are there things that support your boys? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
This research makes me think about my own current experiences. I thought we were doing well after my first started sleeping through the night at 3mth. Then our daughter came along and she has never slept through the night unless she is sleeping next to one of us (she says when she wakes she is lonely). We are currently working out whether it is just easier to have her sleep with us as the Sleep specialists solution was rewards, which have not helped. Now we currently have a son who struggles to get to sleep without us and a daughter that can’t sleep through the night without one of us.
Thanks for sharing, Jenny! Is there anything that seems to help? I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
It is very important to get our sleep. As well as it is important for children to get their sleep as well. Getting sleep plays a big role in your day, and not getting enough can sure impact it. We have a routine to follow throughout the day and if we are tired, our energy levels will go down and we could get sick. Lower immune systems, not eating or drinking enough. As a bit of an older person, I must say, im not scared to have the odd nap on the weekends.
You make some really important points here about sleep, Tracy! I find that I hear more and more about people not getting enough sleep. How might you help families and even adults understand about the importance of sleep? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Some possible ways to help adults know the importance of sleep is to document on a daily basis. Compare what happens when we do get sleep vs what happens when we dont get enough sleep, children too.
This is a great idea, Tracy! Is this something that you foresee a parent doing, an educator, or both? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Sleep is definitely important for children as they are still developing and growing and need more sleep than us adults.
When children do not get their sleep they do not function aswell and have a hard time regulating there emotions usually.
Thanks for sharing, Melodie! I agree with you about the importance of sleep. I wonder though about the impact of a lack of sleep on adults too. Last week, I was at school really late for an evening event, and by the time that I got home and went to bed, I only got 3-4 hours of sleep. The next day, I was exhausted! Since I was aware of how I was feeling, I could use a variety of Self-Reg strategies to remain calm even during stressful situations. That said, I know that a lack of sleep was impacting on me. What do you think?
Aviva
Sleep is very important for childrens development. I can still remember my mom always saying to me ” never wake a sleeping baby, when they are sleeping, they are growing” Those words have stuck with me for a very long time. As a mother and even now as an ECE.
This is great to hear, Tracy! What impact has this had on your classroom programming as an ECE? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Behaviour (crying) is communication and I do feel parents need to answer this call. Hopefully they have some sort of support system in place (friends, relatives…) that can help ease the burden. Co-sleeping/Family Bed is an option for many families
Thanks for sharing, Cheryl! How might you help others understand that “crying is communication?” I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Aviva
Sleep is such a difficult topic. Everything is worse when you are sleep deprived. I believe that as parents we have to do what sits well in our hearts.
My daughter did not sleep through the night until she was ten. As an infant my husband got up with he ( a deal we made when I was pregnant) (good deal for me). Once she could climb out of her bed (12 months) she got in our bed. We just left her with us. survival. She came every night. A couple days past her tenth birthday I realized that she had not come. I asked her why. She responded that she was ten and would sleep herself now !! Was it because she had asked for her room to be redecorated ( a canopy bed in pink and cream). She did get it. My husband moved her during the night so she would wake up in it on her tenth birthday. She also wanted breakfast in bed. She slept in her room after that??????????
Such an interesting story, Ingrid! It seems as though by giving her the time to make this decision on her own, it made a big difference for her. I wonder if what other circumstances this would also be true.
Aviva