By Kelly McDougall, a Self-Reg Foundations Program Learner
Mom: He’s not bad! He’s stressed!
Dad: What could he be stressed about? Not getting the Lego set he wants for his birthday?
Mom: Stress isn’t just how adults perceive it. It affects everyone. Scientists define it as anything that disrupts homeostasis and requires a person to burn energy to get back to calm. We experience stress across five domains. It can be hidden, quietly depleting our energy.
Dad: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, lack of sleep and hunger are biological stressors, while changes in routine cause stress in the emotion domain. Cognitive stressors might be interruptions or making tough decisions, and being late is a prosocial stressor. A birthday party can cause social stress. The point is: stress is coming at all of us in countless and complex ways.
Dad: No wonder I’m so tired all the time.
Mom: Our son seems to have a heightened stress reactivity which causes him to expect stress all the time. This hypervigilance makes his heart beat faster and he burns more energy, leaving him so tired he can’t pay attention. It also makes him impulsive and causes him to assume threats are everywhere – even when it’s just us checking in on him. I wonder whether that’s the reason he often says kids are mean to him at school.
Dad: But why him? Other families we know aren’t struggling like this.
Mom: It could be because of his time in the NICU. It was scary, painful, and noisy for him and we couldn’t always be there to soothe him.
Dad: It’s heartbreaking to think about that. But what do we do when he’s calling me names or kicking you?
Mom: That’s his fight response. We have to “turn off his alarm.” To do this, we need to stay calm. Remembering he’s having a stress response makes it easier. Then we can lend him our calm by being gentle with our voices, body language, and touch.
We also need to ask, “Why?” (is he behaving this way), and “Why now?” We get to be “stress detectives.” If we find the stressor – like a smell or a scratchy tag – we can remove it. We can also make other changes to prevent another meltdown.
Finally, we help him understand and experience how calm feels. Once he’s got that figured out, we help him calm himself. Maybe reading, building, or doing something physical will make him feel better.
Dad: Sounds good.
Mom: Self-regulation won’t rid our child of challenging behaviours. But we can keep working through the process and life can be more peaceful.
While based on my experience with my partner and son, this conversation was imagined for a final task in Foundations 2.
12 Comments
Yes I can imagine it will be a long and lengthy process being a stress detective and lending the calm for both parties involved. Though it is a process we must take in the right direction to help one another.
I agree, Tan! Have you had some “stress detective” experiences before? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
I read this after I just drew a picture of each of our children, and how stressors were all around us and that we are living in a high-stress time in our lives, our children are getting older, school and life is busy, and late traveling as a family was getting overwhelming. Now I realized it was all stress in each of us that we weren’t in tune with.
Thanks for sharing, Crystal! How do you think being more intuned to this might change trajectories or responses? Thoughts?
Aviva
This article made me think how important is to be a “stress detective” for a peaceful environment for our children. thank you for sharing this story.
Thanks Baljit! How do you see yourself being more of a stress detective? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
Such a beautiful article. I appreciate how the article highlights the idea of parents acting as ‘stress detectors’ which will help to reduce the stressors and manage the stress. Moreover, I also loved how the mom talked about lending her calm by using gentle approaches, it really shows how regulating our own emotions can be helpful for others as well.
Thanks for your comment, Nikita! Your comment about the parents is having me think about how we can support parents in being stress detectives. What do you think might work?
Aviva
I’m a mom and I know that as a parent I should be a stress detective to help my son live in peace. Knowing the 5 stress domains is very helpful, thanks.
Thanks Sara! What are some stressors that you see in the different domains? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
being a stress detective is very important in our lives. Now i can definitely detect where my principal stress lies with in the 5 domains.I consider the cognitive domain a major one for me, becouse some times i struggle to focus on my notes when my brain is busy processing the threat of public speaking
Thanks for sharing about your experiences. Do you see any other stressors presenting themselves in the different domains at the same time? I would love to hear more.
Aviva