I was on recess duty the other day, and a Grade 2 student came up to me to say that another child kicked her as a group of them were playing together on the car (a large, toy car in the middle of the playground area). She couldn’t remember the student’s name, but she took me over to her so that I could chat with the two of them together. When I got over there, this student was swinging on one of the bars connected to the toy car. I got down near her, and asked if she could get off the car for a minute so that we could chat. She looked at me, said nothing, swung for another minute, and then hopped off and ran over to the climber. What?! Did this child just run away from me when all I asked to do was talk?
I could feel myself getting angry, but I looked at the child standing next to me, and said, “Just stay here a minute. I’m going to go and talk to her.” As I walked over to the climber, I started to hear Susan Hopkins and Stuart Shanker‘s voices in my head. This was a good reminder for me to think about, “Why this child? Why now?” I started to feel myself calming down. At this point, I was near her on the climbers, and in a quiet voice, I asked, “Is everything okay?” She shook her head, “No.”
That’s when I started to prompt with a couple more questions.
- “Are you angry?” Still no.
- “Are you sad?” That’s when I got a nod for, “Yes.”
So I asked, “What’s wrong?” She said, “I thought you were going to be mad at me. I didn’t mean to kick her.” Now we could really start to discuss what happened. It turns out that she was swinging on the bar, and her foot accidentally kicked the student sitting inside the car. The child that was kicked said she was going to tell the teacher, and this other child was scared, so that’s why she ran away when I came.
I explained that I wasn’t mad, and I asked if there might be something that we could do to solve this problem. She suggested apologizing. I said, “What if you let her know that you’re sorry, but also ask her if she’s okay?” She liked this idea, jumped down from the climber, and went to go and see the other student. After a couple of minutes, she ran back to me happily to tell me that everything went well, and this other child wasn’t mad at her anymore.
Looking back on this experience, I can’t help but think of all of the times that I reacted differently.
- I would have taken the “running away” personally.
- I would have responded more harshly to the behaviour, and in the end, likely created a bigger problem.
This is a great example of “stress behaviour” that I was, unfortunately, initially viewing as “misbehaviour.” I can’t help but wonder about the number of problems that we could avoid, and the overall change in student behaviour that could happen, just by slowing down, questioning “why,” and responding with a gentler tone. What do you think? How do you remember to reframe behaviour? I’m very thankful for the little voices in my head that I think changed this entire recess experience.
8 Comments
I know myself since taking the first course they have many situations when the “why” question has made to a different outcome. I try really hard with work and with my own children to think of why before i respond. Why and lend my calm are the two things i use most often which both are so helpful in taking a step back before I respond.
Thanks so much for your comment, Cindy! What a great point about remembering to ask, “why.” I find myself doing this a lot when observing students in the classroom and outside at recess.
Aviva
Great share. Thank you. If only all adults could do what you were able to do. I beleive we if all did, children would have more SAFE HAVENS!!!
Thanks for sharing, Sara! Have you had any Self-Reg Haven experiences? I’d love to hear about them.
Aviva
Thank you for your honesty about your initial anger. As teachers and leaders we often feel like we have to respond in a perfect way to children, and often this response includes how we feel in the moment, even when that internal process is not made clear to others around us.
Taking that moment to pause and reconsider what may be happening has helped me reframe so many situations that were going down the gurgler. I responded to your blog with a title in mind: ‘Rethinking Behaviour that humans have’, as I have found Self-Reg and other study that I have done at the Pikler House incredibly beneficial for me to pause and rethink and to to wonder why and understand more about what other people may be experiencing in the world.
Taking that pause to get ourselves back into ourselves so we can be ready to work in partnership with someone when they are in stress is vital. I know I often have to take a step back, even go into another room, engage in a small activity of going to the bathroom or washing my hands, so that physical activity can help me give some time for my thoughts to come through.
I appreciated the way in which you started the dialogue with the student, you did not ask any accusatory questions, make any negative comments, but instead checked in with them and asked if everything was ok. The simple questions you followed up with were for clarification and not to fix the situation but to understand more. The way in which you also trusted her to work this out with the other child and did not march her over yourself to stand over them as she offered a forced apology, was great. Messages of ‘I can be trusted even when I have kicked someone else’ were clear.
I saw this great quote today from a psychologist that connects so nicely to the Self-Reg concept – Reframe: “Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.” ~ Ashleigh Warner
We can always look back at the things we could have handled in a different way, and this is not only for our relationships and connections to children, but also with our connections with other adults, at work, and in our partnerships. Instead, I like to keep my focus on the future and to keep on making space for reframing and keep those positive and reflective voices in our heads!
Thanks for the comment and sharing this wonderful quote! I think it’s important to share some of our struggles as well as our successes. We’re all human. But looking back at these experiences through a Self-Reg lens can also help us when moving forward. I’m reminded about Susan Hopkins and the importance of soft eyes. I love how you shared the idea of going in another room and even washing your hands. What a great way to give yourself a moment to think and breathe. I’m curious to hear what others do too!
Aviva
So often our teachers take the complaints or issues of one child and react to it without asking the Why? question. When they get to me, they are usually more upset than they were originally. Once we had conversations and everything is righted in their little world, i have to to go chat with teachers and let them know the real story.
Your recess story reminded me of this. Last year our teacher participated in the self reg 101 so many now spend more time asking the why questions and seeking to see the child and not the behavior.
It’s interesting how asking “why” can really change things. My teaching partner used to ask why all the time. I think she had to remind me of this and now I can’t stop doing so.
Aviva