One of the biggest challenges in raising kids is learning to parent well—OK, reasonably well—when you’re angry.
Raising children is inherently emotional. And that means we’re sometimes parenting under the influence of anger and its cousins – frustration, resentment, and irritation. When you think about it, a fair number of key parenting moments happen when we’re mad at our kids.
That’s a bit of a scary thought! Because, when we’re angry, we’re stressed—in ”red brain.” The more earlier-developed, reactive, non-rational parts of our brain push our higher brain functions into the background. That ups the risk of poor parenting decisions and actions that make the situation worse, not better.
So, what can one do, given that angry parenting is inevitable?
That’s a multi-faceted question with a number of potential answers. But I want to focus on a couple of things. First of all, we tend to think the answer to anger is self-control. And sometimes it is. Suppressing angry words and deeds via supreme acts of willpower is necessary at times. Self-control can keep us from doing or saying destructive things. It can keep us out of jail.
The problem is, suppressing anger is a self-control battle we’re not always going to win. What’s more, trying to control anger is incredibly energy-expensive and tension-inducing. So even if we win, the effort can leave us depleted and uptight. Being in that sort of mind-body state does not help us be good parents.
I remember a day, years ago, at Canada’s Wonderland when, almost as soon as we’d walked in the gate, my son and I got into a power struggle, basically about when to buy him some sort of trinket or gew-gaw at one of the concession stands. He wanted it “now.” I was afraid that if we bought something “now,” later on he would see something better and start campaigning for that too. So I wanted to wait and help him make a choice later.
That tussle, in which he was very persistent, got us off to a bad start and it became an ongoing issue that marred the day. Here’s the thing. On one level I was successful. I was able to “control” my anger and frustration, that is, shove it down somewhere into the depths of my body. I never lost my temper. There was no yelling or knee-jerk threats or punishments. I did my best to comfort my son and stay positive. The trouble is, the monumental inner battle required to do all that whilst pushing my anger aside left me so drained that I still hadn’t fully recovered by the day’s end. What should have been a fun, exciting time was tense and somewhat grim, even though we managed to do a few“fun” things.
How could Self-Reg have helped me that day?
Reframing would have been a good start. Reframing could have helped me understand that stressors—the novelty, the overstimulation, the waiting—were driving my son’s behaviour. It wasn’t that he was being annoying, spoiled and immature nor that I “failed” in my authoritative parental duty to get him to accept my decision.
Reframing would also have helped me understand the stressors that were affecting me, including social parenting pressure. This outing included several other family members including a niece and nephew who were as good as gold, albeit a little older. Another of my biggest problems that day was that I was just as mad at myself as I was at my son. And feeling bad about being mad is just the worst, isn’t it?
Therefore, Respond and Restore is the other step of Self-Reg that could have been so helpful to me that day. I put all my energy into finding the magic button that would get my son to stop hyperfocusing on the toy I wouldn’t buy him (yet). And trying to control my anger and frustration generated volumes of negative energy. I couldn’t stop “kicking” myself for feeling bad.
Such things happen in the life of a parent. And they’re especially difficult on “special” days, when we really want things to go well. That pressure contributes to the stress levels.
The point is, s**t happens in parenting. So, rather than just battle our way through these experiences every time, we need to learn recognize them as parenting stress cycles. And then we need to respond by addressing the stress rather than trying to “win” struggle (unless you absolutely have to “win” for safety reasons).
The other lesson is: spend less energy on trying not to feel angry and/or looking for an instant (but usually elusive) solution to the issue. Put more energy into understanding and reducing the stressors that are behind your anger. And remember what helps you recover from anger, and what helps you reconnect positively with your child. Put your energy into those things. Therein, I suspect, lies the key to good enough angry parenting.
There’s a lot more that could be said on this issue, including how to reduce stress so that we are less prone to anger. But that’s a topic for another day.
What helps you do “good enough” parenting while angry?
14 Comments
This also happens to teachers. When you are having a bad day, some children know how and when to push your buttons. How do they know this. sometimes you need the best that you can do just to get by.
Charlotte, I wonder if kids can read our stress and this impacts on their behaviour. Thoughts?
Aviva
I think so as they seem to know when to push your buttons when you are just trying to get through the day.
Charlotte, I wonder why that might be. What do you think?
Aviva
Reading this article … help explain the state of mind we are in when we get upset and need to work harder to help relax the brain. I work in the school setting and also coach sports team so i need more help with myself control my attitude.
Thanks for sharing, Kristin! Can you share a little bit more about your experiences? What might make things better? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
The red brain is always something to be mindful of and keep positive thoughts in your mind to help relax.
Thanks for sharing, Kristin! How do you do this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I have been there and done that too. As a mom and as a teacher. There are days that the children just push your buttions and boom!! I get angry but I then have that moment where I look at their faces and think, what is going on here. I check myself and I apologize and we discuss what the issue was.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Rhonda! I think it’s valuable for children to realize that we also make mistakes. What do you think?
Aviva
Parents and teacher both have to control their anger, It can be hard to be a parent and try to teach your child and discipline your child because we need to be calm with not only our child but all children. For an example yesterday another teacher was helping me for Halloween and she was really changing things around I told her how we handle things in our class. Anyway we got back to the school and I was trying to settle the children down and remove sweaters from under the costumes so they didn’t get to warm. This lady kept interrupting me and say this little guy wants his bag and i told the young boy to sit in his seat and I will come see him in a minute, she then went to give him his bag and I got angry with her, the students noticed my change and became sad and yet I didn’t yell, but they felt my anger. I then ask the young boy what he wanted he said he was hungry so I told him to get his lunch and then I told all the other children if they came with lunch to get it and eat and the others Could have cheese and crackers until the pizza arrived. Then I told the other teacher that with my students we talk not just assume. I told thank you for your help and that she could leave that I would be fine now that we are back at school.. I then spoke to my students and told them that sometimes teacher can get frustrated and seem to be mad, but please understand that I’m not mad with any of you just having a difficult day, and that they always make me feel better. the children then were as if nothing happened and were happy as can be. We danced ate and play the rest of the day away.
Thanks for sharing this story! You remind us that we can all make mistakes, but also learn from these mistakes. You helped turn things around for the day. What a great reminder for all of us!
Aviva
These comments about those kids that know which buttons to push make me wonder what they think the buttons do…what do they NEED in that moment? It’s hard to do this thinking when we are already in red brain though.
Thanks for the comment, Casey! What a great point. I wonder if we almost need a running dialogue in our head about how to respond. What do you think?
Aviva