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Self-Reg Lens on Challenging Behaviours
Blog by Dr. Susan Hopkins
It’s centre time, and Harper is meticulously building a tall block tower. Suddenly, Liam rushes in, knocks it over, and shouts, “You don’t even know how to build!” Harper freezes, tears filling her eyes, while the other children look on, wide-eyed. Liam storms off, grabbing a toy from another child along the way.
As an Early Childhood Educator, moments like this can feel overwhelming. Our instinct might be to scold Liam or assign a punishment—a time-out, losing privileges, or writing his name on the board. These approaches may feel immediate, but they don’t address the real issue. In fact, they misunderstand the deeper science behind what’s happening in moments like these.
Why Liam’s Behaviours Make Sense
Liam’s actions aren’t about being “bad” or deliberately mean. His behaviour is a stress behaviour, not a conscious choice. When children are dysregulated—overwhelmed by accumulated stress in their brain-body system—they lose access to the reasoning and reflective part of their brain (their “BLUE brain”) and act out impulsively.
Liam didn’t choose to be dysregulated. It’s happening to him, and while his actions aren’t acceptable, understanding them as stress responses helps us respond in ways that truly make a difference.
Co-Regulation: A Dance of Connection
Addressing behaviours like Liam’s starts with co-regulation, not punishment. Before we can teach or guide him, we need to help him find balance, or homeostasis, where his nervous system can calm down enough for him to reflect and learn.
Co-regulation is a dance, and as educators, we’re using our own brain-body state as a barometer to guide the moment. Ideally, Liam might help rebuild Harper’s tower or apologize. But if that’s too overwhelming for him in the moment, we adjust. Maybe he just watches or steps away to reset. Timing matters—forcing an apology too soon doesn’t create change. A little space might lead to a genuine apology later, when he’s ready.
The Long Game
Co-regulation isn’t a quick fix, and it’s not about letting behaviours slide. It’s about creating the conditions for growth, helping children like Liam recover, reflect, and learn. When we reframe challenging behaviours through a Self-Reg lens, we’re giving children the tools to move toward healthier responses—one small step at a time.
It is true because the children’s reaction we don’t know what is inside their brain or how the feel that moment. It is very important to calm them down rather than to judge them immediately. They need our understanding and help that they may realize what happen in that moment.
Thanks for your comment! What are some different ways that you have helped show kids this understanding? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
I am working with the K student who shows the same behaviour everyone he sees someone makes the craft, drawing, puzzles and etc. better than him. He smashes it, breaks or tears apart the creations of others. I am trying to figure out how it what strategies to use to be proactive and not reactive. Can anybody give me tips of what can I do to privent stressed behaviour?
This definitely presents a challenge, Tatyana! I wonder if digging into the possible stressors might help. If the child finds it hard because he is comparing his work to others, would some process artwork that is a little more open-ended (where everything looks different), help? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Aviva
This is so true and one of the hardest messages to convey to other Educators who are frustrated and who are filled with self doubt,about everything they are doing or arent doing in regards to dealing with the behaviours?
Thanks Suzanne! What are some ways that you think we can communicate this? Have you met with any success? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
It is definitely important to learn and understand why a child is acting out or misbehaving instead of always trying to punish them and make them say sorry.
Thanks for sharing, Melodie! What are some ways that you might do this?
Aviva
It is definitely important to learn and understand why a child is acting out or misbehaving instead of always trying to punish them. As educators it can be frustrating when other children are hurting each other and not listening.
Thanks Melodie! It can be frustrating, so how might we reframe this frustration? Thoughts? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
The behaviour that my student exhibit’s is just like that, grab something, distroy something and I can see he is so disregualted in that moment. I’m learning every day that I’m with him how to read his body language, and what I need to do to help him through this moment. I love the “reframing challenging behaviours, I am looking forward to learning more about it and how I can us it in my day to day life.
Thanks for your comment! I would love to hear more of your thinking as you learn about reframing behaviour.
Aviva
Why is nobody talking about Harper? She was just crushed by a disregulated Liam. Now there’s two kids not okay. In the time it takes for Liam to recover, reflect, and learn poor Harper is left there to deal alone? What’s the ideal solution in this specific example?
Dara, I wonder if this is a case of viewing behaviour as stress behaviour versus misbehaviour? Is this an opportunity to teacher understanding and support problem solving, while later allowing for connections between the two kids? I often find that children look to ask for how we respond to a situation, and the calmer that we are, the easier it is for them to reflect, respond, and sometimes move past a problem. What do you think?
Aviva