By Erin Scott, an Enhancing Resilience in Children and Youth Learner
As I began the Enhancing Resilience in Children and Youth course, I was thinking of one of my Kindergarten students in particular, a child I will refer to as Emily. Emily is a bright child with a twinkle in her eye who loves to learn. She also has difficulty with frustration and disappointment. At the beginning of the year, she would have big reactions to what seemed (to me) small bumps in her day – a child taking her seat, a drawing not coming out right, or even someone looking at her. Emily would scream and yell and then either crawl under a table or sit in a small corner of the room, refusing to talk, engage, or move. Thankfully, these reactions occurred less often as the year went on, however they still happened occasionally. At these times, everything in my teacher bag of tricks failed and I was frustrated. In my mind, she was stubborn and lacking resilience.
In the resilience course, we were learning to ask “Why?” when looking at a child’s behavior. We were encouraged to look at what was causing the child stress and try to see how we could minimize this stress and be there as a support–a co-regulator–for the child. We were asked to reframe the behavior and to not just see it as a child misbehaving, but to look deeper.
This was put to the test one week when Emily’s outbursts were happening every single day, sometimes multiple times per day. I was exhausted and feeling like a lousy teacher. One day, I could see Emily starting to melt down and she was walking towards me. I tensed up, ready for another battle and then this little girl put her head on my shoulder. I gave her a long hug and simply let her hold onto me for however long she wanted. When I felt her body begin to relax, I used a calm voice to talk to her about what was bothering her. She opened up to me and we were able to do some brainstorming and problem-solving together.
In this moment, my calm helped Emily find her calm. Co-regulation at its finest! She was able to restore her internal balance and as a result, had the resilience to move on with her day. When I had some time to think about the stressors she may have been facing, I realized that this particular week was an incredibly tough one for her. Her sister was ill with COVID and was isolated from the rest of the family. There was stress at home trying to keep everyone healthy. I had noticed Emily taking extra long naps at quiet time, she was exhausted and run down. No wonder she was having trouble handling everyday frustrations at school!
It is so easy as teachers to see everything as misbehavior, stubbornness or a lack of resilience. When you are the only teacher in the room, it is not always possible to stop in the moment and take the time to peel back the layers and ask why. However, when you can do this, it is an incredible gift to both the child and yourself.
You may also be interested in Dr. Shanker’s Blog The Self-Reg View of Resilience, read it HERE. And our next cohort of Enhancing Resilience in Children and Youth is starting soon, don’t miss out!
24 Comments
I agree with taking the time to show some compassion towards others. You never know what a child/person may be facing on a daily basis. Sometimes that’s all it takes is just to be there with an open mind set to help others.
I agree, Tan! How do you remember this when in the heat of the moment we might choose to respond differently? I always love hearing what others do to remind themselves of the need for this compassion.
Aviva
Yes it is hard to remember that a lot of our littles are coming into school everyday with many different types of stresses. To be able to have more compassion, understanding and an ear to listen is always a great way for they to start their day. In one of the classroom I was working in we had a sharing circle every morning to say how we were feeling and why. For a lot of students this was a nice way to say I might have a hard time today or not. This also helped the others to have compassion and understanding towards each other.
This is fantastic to hear, Debbie! Thanks for sharing. Did any students struggle with sharing during this Sharing Circle time? If so, was there something that worked well for them? I’d love to hear more.
Aviva
My student is really familiar with the zones of regulation, so I ask him what zone he’s in.
Thanks for sharing! Does he ever struggle with identifying the zone? What do you do then? I’d love to hear more!
Aviva
Totally agree with this. Especially, when we work with non verbal students and they are unable to use express themselves. Sometimes, only comfort them with hugs is very precise.
Thanks Sunita! I agree. What about for those students when a hug is dysregulating? How can we offer choices when the child might be dysregulated at the time? Thoughts?
Aviva
It is a great reminder for all of us that sometimes there are deeper reasons for a behaviour. We need to take a moment to respond with calm and kindness. This will definitely make a difference for a child.
Thanks Sara! I agree. Have you had times when this has been true? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
A few of my students come from a big family with older and younger siblings. At times they come to school dysregulated before class starts. I did not see this until I started understanding self-reg myself. When I see them come in amd right off the hop, I can see the early morning they had. Before class begins, I make sure to check in on them and reframe their behavior.
Thanks for sharing this, Amanda! What are some of the choices that you’ve made to help support these students? I would love to hear more. I wonder if these ideas might support kids in other classrooms too.
Aviva
There was an undesignated student in one of my classes that really struggled in grade 4. He was always getting into trouble with the teacher and his peer’s. He would copy their work, he would write on someones work, he had a real chip on his shoulder and what I remember is how he was labled mean, loud, and lazy. The thing is, when I would work one on one with him in any academic he was polite, he listened and asked question’s, he would get the work done. He struggled sitting still, staying focused, and didn’t like to read. I shared the reading with him, and he liked that. As time went on I learned that some of that behaviour was coming to school with him. Home life was a challenge so he seemed to start his day stressed then the class work was overwhelming for him. I put a couple of pec’s on his desk to remind him to raise his hand and use kind words, when we would start class work I would slowly make my way over to him and ask if I could sit at his table. I would offer my help, or just sit quietly with him while we worked. It was nice when he would ask for help instead of getting up, throwing his books on the floor and leaving the classroom. As the school year moved on we saw less of the behaviour and I found the Pec’s really helped him along with lending him my calm, which I didn’t realize I was doing. hahahah!
Thanks for sharing this wonderful story! Your mentioning of the pecs really has me thinking. I wonder if you could be calmer by needing to talk less. What do you think?
Aviva
My biggest takeaway from this article is how powerful reframing can be. What looked like stubbornness was actually stress. When the teacher shifted from frustration to understanding and offered calm instead of correction, everything changed. It reminded me that co-regulation starts with me. When I stay calm and take time to ask “why?”, I can better support a child who is overwhelmed.
Thanks for your comment, Kavya! I really loved your insights on this article. How do you remember to stay calm? Have you had some co-regulation experiences that you can share? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Very well said! i totally agree with this article about showing sympathy and acknowledging their feelings to help them in reframing those emotions and meltdowns.
Thanks Baljit! How do you do this? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Such a beautiful article, emphasizing the power of a small hug, calm voice and listening, which can help a child to feel relax and talk about what they are going through. It mainly focuses on the power of co-regulation, means a calm adult can help a child to calm down through support, patience and understanding. Children’s behaviour often has a deeper reason, so when a child is dysregulated rather than levelling their behaviour as misbehaviour, we as educators should try to help them in regulating their emotions by staying calm, showing our patience and empathy towards towards them.
Thanks Nikita for your comment! I love your thinking around co-regulation. Do you have any Co-Reg stories to share? I would love to hear more.
Aviva
Managing stress quickly is not easy at all; it requires applying wisdom, which goes much deeper than mere knowledge or intelligence. It s about discerning how to help the person affected or ourselves, and learnign to do Poco a Poco.
Thanks for your comment, Magali! Do you have any examples of this “stress management” in action? Sometimes I wonder if sharing these examples helps us support each other. What do you think?
Aviva
I agree. When I was a ECEA we had a few kids that had parents in the Military. We could always tell when the parent was away because of the behaviour changes. We would always offer more snuggles or quiet time. Usually the student would be able to tell us what they need.
Thanks for sharing, Lisa! I’m thinking about my classroom experiences too. When we see behavioural changes, does asking “why” and “digging deeper” make a difference? I wonder if your learning in this case could be applied to other times when students exhibit different behaviour. Thoughts?
Aviva