This is a reflection from Figen özer based in Turkey, as part of our Enhancing in Children & Youth Course.

My sister faced significant challenges throughout her school life. She changed schools frequently and went through several disciplinary processes. She was recently removed from her high school because her stress behaviours were perceived as active acts of aggression. 

I think about the Five Look-Fors in a Self-Reg Haven because they are so applicable to her. I applied this idea to my thinking about my sister’s challenging situation.

The 5 Look For’s of a Self-Reg Haven are Safe, Rooted, Balanced, Capable & Trusted.

SAFE

The problem is that when my sister expresses her feelings in school, she generally gets in trouble. She has been seen as a ‘problem girl’ and has internalized much of this. She hasn’t felt like school is a safe place.

ROOTED

As she has been suspended from two schools, she has never felt safe or rooted anywhere. At each new school, she has been defined in advance by her academic record, which shaped how others perceived her. Before she has even spoken, teachers have judged her based on her file rather than her character. She didn’t feel as if she was rooted in school; on the contrary, she felt that school was just a place she was forced to go, where she was misunderstood, judged, and punished for her stress behaviours.

BALANCED

Feeling balanced in the school system is very important for both students and teachers. I see that a lot of the teachers and principals are burnt out and tired. It’s so very difficult to feel balanced in such a school system. Teachers are not happy about their jobs; they have a lot of stressors. This reflects their work. I know this is not their fault, but the broken system’s.  These teachers try to do their best and help children to the best of their knowledge.

In a balanced school system, self-regulation is taken into consideration instead of self-control. Educators recognize the difference between stress behavior and misbehavior.  

CAPABLE

My sister has been punished so repeatedly that she feels others no longer believe that she is capable. Despite her efforts, she is constantly told she is insufficient. She then starts to believe that she is incapable, and no one believes that she can change. Over time, constant punishment convinces Sam that effort is pointless because the outcome never changes.

TRUSTED

As my sister has never felt included in a school community, she has neither trusted others nor felt trusted herself. Her needs have never been acknowledged or met. She didn’t feel understood and felt. Her stress behaviors were acknowledged as misbehaviors and were punished. She was punished when she used her maladaptive self-regulation strategies. This makes everything worse for my sister.

Understanding Stress Behaviour Through a Self-Reg Lens

Considering all of this, what my sister truly needs is not more consequences, but belief. She needs someone who recognizes that her struggles do not come from a lack of effort but from trying far beyond her capacity under constant stress. Her apparent disengagement is not laziness or low motivation; it is the result of being overwhelmed and shut down.

She also needs empathy—adults who can acknowledge the pressure she lives under and help her identify and understand her stressors so she can begin to reframe how she sees herself. She is not “bad” or “incapable”; rather, her nervous system remains in a heightened state of alert, preventing her from accessing her strengths.

Relationships Matter

Above all, she needs a sense of belonging within a safe and supportive learning community where she feels accepted. She needs relationships grounded in trust, compassion, and genuine connection rather than control.

Explore the heart of a Self-Reg Haven here