As I continue to learn and reflect more on Self-Reg, I find myself making connections to Shanker’s teachings throughout my day. I had an unexpected experience this past week, which had me reflecting on Self-Reg.
The Spark
I was upstairs supporting children in a couple of the classrooms, and it was almost nutrition break. A teacher was talking with a child who was very upset. She had accidentally ripped a dress that she was wearing and needed to change. She didn’t like the clothing choices that she had in her backpack and was getting progressively more upset as she thought about changing.
My Offer of Support
I noticed that the classroom teacher was trying to give this student the time that she needed, while also trying to support the children in the rest of her class. Since I know the child who’s upset and have a relationship with her as well, I offered to help. The teacher gave me the clothing choices, and I gave them to the child.
Big Emotions
This student — let’s call her Mary — was feeling a lot of different things at the time. She was both crying and screaming, and it was clear that she was beyond consolable at the time. She went into the bathroom though, and I stood outside in the hallway. I intermittently responded to her comments about “how ugly” her pants and shirt were and how much she “hated wearing these clothes.”
- At first, I offered to go down to the office and see if they might have some other clothing choices.
- I then offered to call her parents and see if it might be possible to get other clothes.
- I finally offered to get her a jacket or sweater to wear so that she might feel more comfortable.
Each offer though, resulted in a scream of “No,” and more tears. This is when I first thought about Self-Reg and how stressed Mary must be. Seeing this as stress behaviour, helped me respond with a gentler tone and finally no tone at all. I simply gave her to the time to cry, to scream, and to just be.
The First Glimmer of Self-Reg
After about five minutes, she came out of the bathroom. She had her ripped dress in her hands and her new clothes on. Tears were running down her face, and it was clear that she was still very upset. I offered Mary a hug, and this is when I realized just how in-tuned she is to what works for her. Instead of saying, “Yes,” to a hug, she said, “No. Hugs don’t calm me.” She then went to sit in her locker. Wait a minute — could this be Self-Reg in action?
My Offer
When she sat inside her locker, I noticed that she got a lot quieter. She slowly seemed less upset. I waited a minute and I asked: “Does drawing calm you?” I have a bunch of small, blank notebooks on my wagon, and I know that she’s loved using them in the past. Maybe she would like to do so again. I was thrilled when she responded with, “Yes, it does,” and was excited by the offer of a notebook, a couple of storybooks, and some drawing materials. Mary even decided to ask a friend to draw with her outside.
A Short Time to Change a Trajectory
While in the moment, this experience seemed to be long, it was actually less than 10 minutes for Mary to go from dysregulated to calm. Talking less, giving space, and responding to Mary’s words and actions, all made a difference here. I love how my learning through The MEHRIT Centre helps me view experiences and kids differently and leads to these unexpected moments of success. How has your Self-Reg learning impacted on how you respond to students and behaviour? It definitely helps me view kids differently.
